


These Aren't the Porgs You're Looking For...and Other Incidents

by janeitesarah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AND the bathhouse, And other...assorted...places, Bantha insults, Because you KNOW Rey has one, Betting, Blackmail, But I swear, Dark Jedi Rocks, F/M, Force Bond, Hand Kink, Hux and Banthas, Hux definitely needs some help, Hux might actually be a Hutt, Hydrospanners, I'm just so NOT sure how this happened, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Incidents, It's an awesome ship though, Jedi Force Rocks, Kinks of all kinds be here, Kissing, Light BDSM, Plotting, Poe has a death wish, Poor banthas, Ren has some fun, Ren needs some help, Rey and Ben and Banthas, Rey came up with it..., Rey has her terms mixed up, Rey needs some help, Righteous Jedi Anger, Situations, So Apparently I'm ficcing this ship now, Something went down but they just won't say, Soooo much betting, Stormtrooper logic, Superstition, Supreme Leader kink freeform, That might be why this is rated Teen, That's the rumor, The Old Jedi Mind Trick, These aren't the banthas you're looking for, They meet in a 'Fresher, They might show up later..., eventually there will be banthas in this fic, porgs, really - Freeform, rey is not amused, so there's that, um yeah, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-03-24 01:49:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13800828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janeitesarah/pseuds/janeitesarah
Summary: In which Rey learns, Ren laughs, and various Situations have them scrambling to keep up.Or how Rey and Ren manage the pitfalls of a Force-Bond, negotiated behavioral standards, the Stormtrooper Grapevine of Misinformation, blackmail, and Hux.  All while navigating that Large River in Egypt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been bouncing around in my head for the last several weeks...so I wrote it out and here you go. No porgs, banthas, rathtars, or annoying generals were harmed in the writing of this fic.
> 
> This is a writing exercise to help me get into a creative groove, so I apologize if it sounds a little academic. I'm an Associate Dean; it's what I do.

The Force moves in mysterious ways, as the saying goes. No one knew this better than Rey of Jakku and Supreme Leader Kylo Ren; yet it always surprises them when the Force…moves. As with all things connected to the Force, neither Rey nor Ren could anticipate when their Force-bond would connect. There was only the strange sensation of air being sucked from the room, and the other would appear. 

Various and sundry Situations arose from this inconvenience; the ‘Fresher Incident (Rey now possesses holographic evidence the Supreme Leader screams like a girl when startled), the Bath Contretemps (in which Rey overturned her bath tub whilst attempting to cover up when Ren suddenly appeared during her bath, much to Ren’s amusement until he was knocked into the deluge by a passing droid; shenanigans ensued), the Bantha Poodoo Episode (you do NOT want to know), and the X-Wing Compromise, when both were embarrassed to come across Finn and Rose behind the new X-Wing shipment in a rather…revealing position.

Both fervently wish the term “brain bleach” was more than just a theoretical concept. 

Six months later, Rey still cannot look Finn or Rose in the eye. 

Ren daily thanks the Maker he need never see Rose or FN-2187 again, and attempts to hide that this gratitude is powerful enough to turn him back to the Light. 

Rey has her suspicions.

So when they hear the strange buzzing preceding the bond’s activation, both surreptitiously survey their environment to (hopefully) prevent something neither (usually) wishes to recall in the future. 

It was with some relief on this particular occasion that neither were in a state of dishabille, there were no banthas, and neither Finn nor Rose were present.

Still, it was a little startling when Rey appeared two steps behind General Hux during a meeting of Ren’s top military leaders. Hux was in the middle of a sensitive briefing on their current campaign in the Outer Rim, and Ren was not keen for the Resistance to know their plans.

Thank the Maker he was wearing his mask, as he occasionally did, just to keep everyone on their toes. Other than the intimidation factor, the look on Ren’s face when Rey appeared would hardly have been appropriate, given the topic at hand.

Rey had recently perfected her ability to speak through the Force (despite her stern and repeated refusals to allow him to teach her, she had made remarkable progress with her abilities), and Ren, unable to glare significantly through the mask, was pleased to know he could still talk with her, despite their current company.

Rey, however, was not in a talkative mood. 

Her frustration was pouring through the bond; strong enough Ren was tempted to slash through the table with his lightsaber, and possibly the nearest communication terminal as well, just to relieve some of the tension. After several moments of attempting, and failing to get her attention, to his amazement (and, it must be added, horror) the tension released as though someone had pulled a plug when a wide smile spread across her face.

Not a kind smile. Not a joyous, loving smile. Not the pleased, happy grin she often wore when he appeared before her.

No. 

This smile was devious enough to make a Sith Lord proud, and focused on General Hux, pontificating before her

It filled Ren with dread. Normally, if Hux is involved he is all for whatever puts the smarmy bantha-noser in his place, but if That Smile is involved…horrors awaited anyone in a 10-parsec radius. As a disciple of the Dark Side, Ren has a well-developed sense of self-preservation, and this Situation could definitely test that sense.

**Rey! WHY are you smiling like that??**

The smile widened, becoming even more horrifying, if that was possible. She deigned to glance his way. **I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about!**

Ren Force-snorted. **Yes you do! The last time you smiled like that, I smelled like Bantha for a week! WHAT. Are. You. SMILING AT??**

Rey rolled her eyes.

 **First, you know I can’t control when this bond opens. Second, how could we know those banthas were in heat?? Besides, you were rather…attractive…covered in bantha musk. Gross….** she shudders at the memory… **but attractive**. Ren’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, and he shifted uncomfortably. “Attractive” is not what he would call it.

Rey smirks in his direction, before turning her attention back to Hux.

**REY!!**

Her smile took on beatific qualities as she flicked her finger.

Hux stopped mid-word, let out a high pitched giggle, and continued on as though nothing had happened.

Only years of military discipline kept the other officers from reacting. Ren was moved to thank the Maker- again- that he had worn his mask to this meeting.

Rey’s smile was deafening. 

Blinding. 

Ren nearly bolted from the room at the sight of it.

 **I guess we know why Snoke kept him around.** The evil smile grew wider.

**What does Snoke have to do with the price of tea on Tatooine?**

Rey’s demonic smile blinded him again. She focused her attention back on the general, who continued blissfully unaware. Rey flicked her finger again, and without missing a beat in his thoughts on First Order allies in the Outer Rim, Hux began flapping his arms in a very Porg-like way.

The temperature in the room dropped 3 degrees and the other officers subtly began to move away from Ren as the Force around them grew unstable.

**REY!**

**Don’t tell me you didn’t know!**

**Know what??**

**That he’s terribly susceptible to…oh, what was it your moth…ah.. the General called it? The Old Jedi Blow-Job?**

**The WHAT??** More gratitude to the Maker for an entirely different reason- this woman would be the death of him if she kept this up. The instability in the Force took on an entirely new dimension, and a couple of officers lost all sense of propriety, openly cowering against the nearest wall.

 **You know, that thing where you can tell them what to do by blowing it into their brain.** She moved closer to Hux. 

“These aren’t the Porgs you’re looking for…” she whispered.

“In conclusion, these aren’t the Porgs you are looking for, Supreme Leader.” Hux finished his presentation with a flourish, and sat down, one arm still wobbling slightly. He looked a bit glassy, but still retained the smug expression both Ren and Rey loathed above…well, pretty much everything.

“General. Did you say… “porgs”? Those officers not already cowering along the walls began to move discreetly towards them.

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Hux appeared completely relaxed and not at all aware of the tension in the room, or of Rey, covering her mouth so she wouldn’t laugh too hard, even though no one else in the room could hear her.

The Force began to swirl uncomfortably; while the non-Force-users were sure this meant certain death, because it couldn’t be anything else with the Supreme Leader involved, Rey sensed the laughter Ren suppressed. The shaking was a bit more difficult to hide.

“What do porgs have to do with our allies in the Outer Rim?”

“Nothing at all, Supreme Leader. That’s why we don’t have to look for them.” Hux’s voice had the tone of one explaining to a toddler **The Sky is Blue Because I Said So Now PLEASE Shut Up.**

“If they have nothing to do with us, why would we look for them?” 

Hux’s irritation springs forth and he begins to berate the Supreme Leader **for his utter lack of intelligence because of course they don’t look for porgs…and shouldn’t someone with a bean’s worth of intelligence, who already understands this because, after all, these are PORGS we’re talking about, be leading the most powerful organization in the galaxy and why the kriff were they talking about PORGS after his excellent briefing on the Outer Rim** …when he develops a slight breathing issue.

His eyes may or may not bulge from their sockets.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing. Perhaps I should shove you back up another bantha’s backside? Or would you prefer a rathtar?”

Gasping. “No….Supreme Leader!”

“Are you sure? Given the bean-sized brain you have obviously acquired from a porg somewhere, the backside of a bantha seems like a good place for you. “ 

**The backside of a rathtar would be too good for him.** Rey shook her head. **Honestly, after the Incident, I’ll never look at Hux OR banthas the same way again.** And she flashed her memory of Hux from the Incident across the bond.

Ren tamped down on another (annoying) wave of gratitude that no one could see the difficulty he had keeping a straight face. Seriously, the shaking would give him away if he weren’t well-known for his temper tantrums.

 **Was that…gratitude, Supreme Leader??** Rey glanced at him, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

Damn Force-bond.

Ren’s second Force-snort was not nearly as convincing as his first. **No.**

Rey’s blinding grin focused on him. **It WAS! Did the Supreme Leader have a little niggle of gratitude pour out of his evil, black soul?**

**NO!**

**Gratitude now, and then what?? I find you surrounded by Ewoks singing Kum Ba Yah with Hux in the control room, smiling at people?**

**I won’t even dignify THAT with a response!**

**I’d think you’re just trying to keep me around, but I know you can’t control the bond, either.**

Ren’s eye-roll was supremely ineffective. After all, no one could see it, a fact he remembered mid-roll. It had been one hell of a good eye-roll, too. Certainly, Rey would have been impressed with his anger and ingratitude had she actually seen it. He hoped.

Damn mask. 

**That is SO not the case. I know you’d stick around either way… um…well.** Rey’s eyebrows rose higher, giving her a look of amused skepticism Ren did not like. At all. Ren switched his attention back to the General, whose bright red face matched his hair, and the other officers, many of whom have quietly edged toward the door.

“WELL??? What will it be, General? The backside of a bantha in heat?” Hux’s eyes bulged, and he gurgled out something sounding suspiciously like “Bimbo”.

**He’s a bimbo, alright.**

**You’re not helping things Rey!**

“Very well, the backside of a bantha it is.” Hux immediately began shaking his head. “Oh, you DON’T want to become reacquainted with banthas? And here I thought you were good for something.”

Hux fell to the ground choking.

“Get out of my sight. If I ever hear a whisper of a word about my rule in the future, I will personally ensure you never leave sight of a bantha again.”

Hux struggled to his feet. “Ye…ye….um…Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Hux bowed, and stumbled in his haste to move past the table Ren was standing at. Rey’s blinding smile returned, and she flicked a finger at Hux again. Hux stood straight as a board, and began to high-step his way out of the meeting room, skipping every third step.

The other officers stared at the General with their mouths hanging open, frozen in place as he marched past them, apparently unaware of his high-stepping or the intermittent skipping.

Ren’s shaking returned.

“Get OUT!” Ren magnified his voice through the force, and ignited and threw his lightsaber toward the nearest computer console, just for dramatic effect. It worked. He didn’t know his officers could move that quickly. Perhaps he should threaten them with banthas more often. He filed that thought away for further consideration.

Ren waited for the door to close behind them before removing the mask and throwing it on the table.

“WHAT was THAT?”

“Well, we were discussing your unseemly amount of gratitude for a person supposedly so committed to the “Dark Side”. I have a theory about that…”

“That’s NOT what I’m talking about.” Rey snorted. “What is it with using the Jedi Mind Trick on my officer?”

“The Jedi MIND Trick?? Is THAT what it’s called?”

“YES! It’s certainly NOT a blow job!” 

Rey smirked at him. “That’s a stupid name! I like mine better!”

“Rey! What are you doing, harassing my officers?”

“It’s just Hux!”

“REY!”

The frustration is back. Rey looks like she’d like to take a lightsaber to the communications console just as much as he would, though it wouldn’t do much good.

“I was practicing influencing people, and your mo…ahh…the General made me stop.” Rey was ranting now, her face screwed up in a pout that normally would have amused Ren to no end, had there been no ranting; a ranting Rey was a dangerous Rey, as he knew from personal experience. “She said it was **“humiliating”** and **“undignified”** and **“disrespectful”**. No one was hurt! Honestly! It wasn’t even that bad! I just influenced Poe to walk around the base clucking for an hour. What’s the harm in that??? And how the kriff am I supposed to improve if I can’t practice??”

Ren was shaking and trying desperately not to smile- or worse, laugh- at her frustration. “Are you referring to the ‘best pilot in the Resistance’? Why were you practicing on him?”

Rey sniffed and rolled her eyes. “He tried to take my hand.”

Smugness radiated off Ren like the musk of a bantha in heat. Rey didn’t let anyone touch her hands. Except him.

Rey snorted at him. “Get over yourself, you scruffy-looking bantha-herder.”

“Hey- we agreed bantha-insults are off-limits!”

“So is your hand-kink!”

Damn. He’d forgotten about that. “It’s not like I said anything!”

“You were thinking it.”

Point.

“So you influenced him to cluck for an hour. While walking around the base.” Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.

Rey shrugged. “He might have done a cartwheel every 15 minutes. And tried to kiss anyone who came near him.”

Ren choked on the laugh that threatened. Rey absentmindedly reached over and whacked him on the shoulder.

“You should have seen it when he tried to kiss Chewie!”

That did it. Ren doubled over and laughed harder than he had during the Contretemps, shaking and gulping in air like a demented shaak. Rey laughed with him, sitting on the floor next to him, and leaning into his leg. A moment later he sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“The thing with the Jedi Mind Trick,” Rey opened her mouth to protest, but Ren silenced her with a look, “is to keep it subtle. You don’t have them do anything they wouldn’t normally do, because that would draw attention to it. You have to be more…devious.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Enlighten me, oh Devious Dark One.”

“Well…one time I influenced my moth…uh… the family maid to drop dishes for a week. You should have seen her; having to bend over every few minutes to pick something up, while trying not to drop anything else. I thought she was going to cry.” Ren smiled at the memory. “I took pity on her when she dropped my mother’s favorite teacup and it shattered. Seeing her try to hide behind a box of supplies in the kitchen when my mother found out about it was hysterical. I thought she was going to pass out!” He chuckled.

“What did she do to deserve that?”

Ren glowered and the Force bond shimmered. “She tried to kiss me.”

Rey’s eyebrows hit her hairline. “So you used the Blow Job to take revenge?”

“It’s a MIND TRICK, Rey.”

“Answer the question.”

“I couldn’t let her get away with it. I indicated NO interest in her whatsoever, and suddenly, she sticks her face in mine and tries to slobber all over me. No.” Ren shrugged. “This seemed like the best way to punish her.”

“Okaaaay then. Do you do that to all the girls who try to kiss you?”

“Just the ugly ones.”

Rey smacked his shoulder. 

“Hey!”

“That was mean!”

“Sith Lord.”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“So basically, as long as Poe doesn’t cartwheel everywhere and try to kiss random people, I’m in the clear?”

“Something like that. And no clucking. That’s a dead giveaway”

Rey sighed. “I’m just not that devious.”

“…I could teach you.”

“We’ve had this discussion already.”

“And you keep turning me down. You need to say yes.”

“No.”

“YES!”

**“NO!!!”**

**“Why NOT??”**

Something wise and feminine passed over Rey’s face; her smile was soft and sad when she looked up at him. “You haven’t made me an offer I can’t refuse.”

“Yes I have! Any other Force-user in the galaxy would accept my offer!”

“No, **you** would accept your offer. You’ve yet to offer me anything I would want.”

Oh.

“I…um…what do you want?”

Utter frustration passed over Rey’s face as she pushed herself to her feet and glared at him. “Don’t tell me you don’t know. Even you aren’t **THAT** dense, Ben Solo!”

Ren got to his feet, holding back his anger. “That is NOT my name.”

“Yes it is.” Rey rolled her eyes. “One of them anyway. And the only one I will call you.”

There was silence as they stared each other down. Ren blinked first.

“Rey…I was wondering…”

Her eyes opened wide, and hope emanated from the bond.

“Yes?”

“I was wondering…”

Rey blinked, and disappeared.

Ren stood with his mouth hanging open for a moment, then called his lightsaber to his hand and decimated the meeting table.

Damn Force-bond.


	2. The Commlink in the 'Fresher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ren is horrified to discover the Late Supreme Leader Snoke had strange 'fresher preferences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So honestly, I expected it to be a one-off, but things kept percolating...so here you are. More Situations for your amusement. There might even be banthas in the future of this little ficlet, but we shall have to see.
> 
> Again, I academic for a career, and tend to get wordy.

It is a universally acknowledged truth that stormtroopers with nothing to do will find something to fill their time. There were a broad range of hobbies practiced by the legions in white; some of them officially sanctioned, and others of a more clandestine variety. The clandestine variety were infinitely more interesting, though heaven help the participants if the officers ever learned of it.

Not that the officers didn’t have their _**own**_ variety of clandestine hobbies, but still. It was the _**principle**_ of the thing.

Mostly, this took the form of betting on rumors and gossip. Was Captain Phasma actually human, or was she a droid (odds: 10-1)? A clone (odds 8-1)? A new species of super-trooper, found on an unknown planet in the Outer Rim, and mercilessly guarded by the Praetorian Guard at Supreme Leader Snoke’s behest; a secret to spring on the galaxy at the moment they were needed (odds 15-1)?

Or maybe she had just done Hux enough to get to the top? After all, he was…complimentary of her work, on several occasions, when it may or may not have been _**entirely**_ called for (odds 2-1).

There were odds either way and on how, exactly, Hux had been done. A small but vocal minority claimed Hux had been forced at saber-point to give her that new promotion or be faced with certain castration.

It was as good a theory as any other, and had odds of 6-1 at the moment.

Of course, the most interesting rumors concerned the leadership of the First Order, as curiosity was high regarding the mysterious Force-users who sat above the entire organization. What of the rumors Hux was very susceptible to persuasion by the Force? Often, a squad came across the General, newly returned from Snoke’s throne room and rather glassy-eyed. There were some who claimed it was for a different purpose entirely, but the majority agreed that possibility was too horrifying to be considered, and just imagining it created an instant need for something to distract them from the mental image.

Some troopers kept a stash of Corellian whiskey for use when those speculations were made. Who cared if it was forbidden amongst the rank-and-file? There were some things only a strong hang-over could cure. 

The strangest of these rumors circulated several years before the First Order took over the Galaxy. According to the rumor, Supreme Leader Snoke had a commlink with hologram projector in the ‘Fresher. This caused no small amount of consternation among the rank-and-file _**and**_ the officers. Whenever the Supreme Leader’s head appeared and strange noises emanated from the background, everyone tried desperately to ignore _**where**_ the sound might be occurring.

It was a difficult endeavor.

It certainly didn’t help that the Supreme Leader wore a glittery gold bathrobe at all times. The rank-and-file were oddly obsessed with this; as various rumors circulated about the possible ‘fresher link, the stormtroopers wondered, in a vague, certainly respectful, and definitely non-pervy way, how weird it was the Supreme Leader wore a bathrobe all the time AND needed a hologram device in the ‘fresher.

The truly non-pervy amongst them were clear this indicated true commitment to the First Order. After all, who wanted to be interrupted in the ‘Fresher? But the Supreme Leader took his duties _**so**_ seriously, he would take that risk. These people applauded the Leader’s zeal and dedication.

The rest were creeped out. Because let’s face it; some weird-looking humanoid biped who is comfortable sitting in state on a throne wearing a glittery, golden bathrobe is not someone who inspires confidence, whatever his strength in the Force; especially when his decision-making includes a commlink in the ‘fresher he apparently has every intention of using on a regular basis.

So while the officer class was thrown into chaos when the Supreme Leader was assassinated by the Resistance’s Jedi, the stormtroopers were…rather relieved. No more ‘fresher communications, though it must be noted there were some who sighed with regret. After all, the _**new**_ Supreme Leader was not a weird-looking humanoid in a bathrobe, but tall, imposing, rather handsome, and (rumor had it) possessing an 8-pack under those black robes. If someone were to receive a ‘fresher communication from him, there were several aboard the Supremacy who would be more than willing to figure out whatever else might be going on in the background, or even take part under _**certain**_ circumstances.

Of course, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren was oblivious to this; he spent most of his time on the bridge, and refused to sit in his throne room and keep a low-if-menacing- profile. There were some advantages to this; he was directly in the loop on what was going on (Ren knew first-hand that Force-initiated conversations could be…shall we say…creatively twisted), it was an excellent opportunity to intimidate the useless rabble (watching them quake in their boots as he walked by was oddly…gratifying), and gave him the opportunity to keep Hux firmly under his Force-choking thumb.

Hux, it must be noted, was not a fan- either of the rumored ‘Fresher communications (his personal stash of Corellian whiskey having grown considerably since Ren’s ascension as Supreme Leader), or having the new Supreme Leader in his Personal Work Space ready (and willing) to Force-choke him at the slightest provocation.

Thus, Ren spent little time in his spacious new quarters; really only retiring at the end of the day cycle to eat and rest before beginning again the next day. One of the perks of being Supreme Leader was the large shower, and after a day on his feet, Ren enjoyed taking advantage of this as often as possible.

One would perhaps be forgiven for speculating whether this preference for long showers developed after a short Force-bond conversation with the Resistance’s Jedi, in which she stuttered at his shirtless form. One might also be forgiven for ascertaining Ren’s evening showers just _**happened**_ to coincide with the Force’s preference for connecting Ren with Rey at this rather…inconvenient time.

The first few time this happened, Rey had sputtered at him to put on a cowl or _**something**_ , and tried to look anywhere but Ren and his (admittedly magnificent) 8-pack. Or the way his wet hair kind of curled around his neck and ears. 

He ignored her. 

About the 4th time they connected during his shower, Rey seemed determined to ignore it, and refused to let her gaze drift farther south than the scar on his collarbone (the scar _**she**_ gave him, thank you _**very**_ much!), and tried desperately not to blush, when Ren obviously flexed his pecs for her benefit.

Ren just smirked. Rey hated it when he did that.

This evening, the bond activated just as Ren was stepping into the shower, and Rey’s long-suffering sigh just made him smirk more. Turning on the water, Ren inquired after Rey’s training, and they had just settled in for a nice (stilted and rather uncomfortable) chat when there was a loud series of beeps and a hologram of Hux projected between them.

Ren screamed like a girl at the beep, squawked when he saw Hux, and slipped on the wet floor while attempting to grab a towel. 

Rey was also startled, but years of strange sounds on Jakku inured her to such things, and she was perfectly thrilled she had a front-row seat for the rest of the show. Apparently, the Supreme Leader was more modest than her experience suggested. The girly-shriek amused her to no end, but watching Ren scramble to cover up his (magnificent) abs and the Little Supreme Leader had her convulsing in laughter, and caused no small amount of gratitude to the Maker for revenging all those awkward days she’d spent staring determinedly at his scar.

Karma’s a bitch, after all.

Hux was doing his best to keep his military demeanor, stop himself from gawking (Damn! He was going to lose 100 credits in the officer’s pool- Ren DID had an 8-Pack!), and avoid any appearance of being aware there was a commlink with hologram in the Supreme Leader’s shower. It’s just another day in the First Order, briefing the Supreme Leader in the ‘Fresher. Just another day in paradise…living the dream. And no, he was not blushing to match his hair.

On the other hand, the two officers flanking him tried desperately to hide their excitement at winning their own bets. Confirming the Supreme Leader’s 8-pack (code-named "Supreme Count" in the officer’s mess) was going to earn them a tidy sum of credits.

When the clattering had (mostly) finished and Ren had managed to acquire a towel to wrap around his waist, Hux determined it was appropriate to continue with the reason for his call.

“Supreme Leader, I have an update on the Mid-Rim situation.”

“My goodness Ben. I had no idea you could blush that far down your body. Talk about beet red!” Rey’s smile was wider than he’d ever seen it, and he did not like that glint in her eye. “I'm not sure it's a becoming look on you, though. Why, the red _**shrinks**_ you right down to size.”

Ren definitely didn’t like that glint.

Turning ever redder, Ren admirably attempted to look as though nothing untoward was happening. “This had better be important, General.”

“Indeed, it is, Supreme Leader. The Grand Potentate of Silesia V has decreed…” And Ren tuned him out, as Rey moved between Hux’s hologram and Ren. 

“So what was all that before? Here I thought you had no modesty at all, especially given the rumors you have a commlink with hologram _**IN THE FRESHER**_ , but you obviously have some small modicum of it, since you nearly broke your neck trying to get that towel. Clearly, I have misunderstood you completely.”

Ren turned redder. If that was possible. Hux droned on, oblivious to the fact Ren was paying no attention whatsoever. 

“Finn will be so thrilled to know it’s not just in the ‘fresher, but it’s in the _**SHOWER**_!! He says there’s a big betting pool in the stormtrooper barracks about whether or not Snoke used it when he was…well…”

“Stop!” Ren’s interruption was a relief on all sides; some things were better left unsaid, and Hux was having difficulty keeping his face straight- the only up-side to this entire fiasco was that the Force masked Rey’s presence, so no one could hear her comments on the situation. However, it seemed everyone in the Control Room- officer and stormtrooper alike- was interested in this particular link-up. The sudden silence reminded Rey and Ren of the audience for this conversation, and Ren tried not to squirm with embarrassment. “General Hux, You have thirty minutes to prepare a proper briefing. I will meet you on the bridge and we will discuss this situation then.” 

“But Supreme Leader, this is an urgent matter…” The choking stopped Hux from any further remonstrance. “Y..ye…yess…Supreme Leader.” Ren pulled the towel a little tighter around his hips; it was a small towel, and though it was angled properly, he certainly didn’t need the entire bridge to get a glimpse of the Supreme Jewels. “And you will make arrangements to have this infernal device removed from my quarters.”

Hux bowed, and the communication ended.

“You… what do you mean, there’s a rumor?”

“The rumor that the Supreme Leader uses a commlink in the ‘Fresher.” Rey looked torn between laughing at the absurdity of it all, and goading him even further. “Apparently, stormtroopers have nothing to do in their spare time and the Supreme Leader is quite the topic of speculation. Finn bet 50 credits there was because anyone who ran around in a sparkly bathrobe would be creepy enough to…”

“What FN-2187 may or may not speculate about the commlink in the late Supreme Leader’s ‘fresher is entirely irrelevant…”

“It’s not speculation if it’s actually _**true**_. Finn is going to be thrilled he was right- even if he lost the credits with his defection. It’s the principle behind the thing, you know.” Her smile turned brighter and even more wicked. Ren’s heart dropped. That Smile was never a good thing.

“I think he’s even been taking bets here, too. I know Poe put 100 credits on Phasma as a hybrid super-alien-soldier, and your mo…ah, the General, has 200 credits on Hux being Force-susceptible. I’d really like to test THAT theory…”

“Rey!”

“Or maybe it was 200 credits that Snoke was packing more than 6 inches under his bathrobe?? I don’t know. She had a pretty unhealthy fascination with it, whatever it was…”

“REY!!” She stopped speaking, with an entirely too-innocent look on her face when she looked up at him.

“What?? I just thought you’d want to know! There’s even a pool on whether you have abs as good as Phasma’s. Or at least, as good as Phasma’s are rumored to be since apparently no one but Hux has seen them.” Ren looks slightly nauseous, and That Smile burns even brighter on Rey’s face. “And I’ll bet you’ve just made a lot of people happy, since there was quite a view of the Little Leader until you found that towel, and I _**KNOW**_ Poe put 50 credits on…”

“ _ **STOP!**_ ” If Ren turned any redder, he might spontaneously combust. It was bad enough knowing the entire Control Room had witnessed this, but if word got out… “Rey, don’t mention this to anyone.”

That Smile got wider. Ren was quaking in his boots. Metaphorically speaking, of course, since he wasn’t actually wearing any at the moment.

“Oh, but think of the morale boost! In both the First Order _**AND**_ the Resistance! As the last Jedi, it’s my _**DUTY**_ to raise morale and hope as much as possible! After all, Finn deserves to know…”

“ _ **REY!!**_ ” The sheer desperation in Ren’s voice stopped Rey, but only for a moment. That Smile was wide on her face as she continued, “And I know Poe, especially, would love to know if he won his bets. He was pretty sure that the Little Leader wasn’t nearly as…formidable…as….”

“ _ **REY!!**_ ” That Smile seemed even more wicked, given the glint in her eye, and the Supreme Leader felt an unnatural desire to _**beg**_. “ _ **Please**_.”

I don’t know…think of all the GOOD that could come from this. The LIGHT it would bring to the dark lives of Resistance and Stormtrooper alike!”

“Rey… _ **PLEASE!!**_ ”

That Smile grew even more intense as she considered. “Very well. But we will have to come to some kind of…arrangement.”

Ren gulped. He had a bad feeling about this... Still, _**ANYTHING**_ to keep this off the holonet.

 

Thirty minutes later, clothed and (mostly) in his right mind, the formidable and clearly-pissed-off Supreme Leader appeared in the control room for his briefing, radiating anger and practically daring anyone to hint at the earlier incident. No one was quite that stupid, though a few wore smug grins and showed a bit more respect than usual, a large number of credits having changed hands in the preceding half-hour. Several officers and troopers on the bridge left duty considerably richer than before.

Hux took the high-road and refused to look any lower than Ren’s nose, delivering a concise and blessedly brief summary of their current situation, and paying every possible respect he could to the Supreme Leader. If his skin was slightly flushed, no one commented. If the Supreme Leader was more forceful than usual, everyone pretended not to notice.

In the barracks that night cycle, conversation centered around the confirmation of several different…attributes… the new Supreme Leader possessed, and more than a few stormtroopers were thrilled with the outcome.

The next day, the commlink was discretely removed from the Supreme Leader’s ‘fresher, on pain of Force-choking if anything was screwed up. In addition, the Supreme Leader suddenly changed his schedule and began showering in the mornings instead.

 

Several hours later, on the Supreme Leader’s secure, encrypted channel, an untraceable transmission was sent to a particular data pad linked up on a planet the Resistance may or may not be inhabiting. Said transmission contained the records of the entire Incident, from the first beep through Hux’s departure, and included a high, girlish scream, lots of skin, and a very skimpy towel.

Several days later, Finn received word that yes, the Supreme Leader had an 8-pack, among other, more _**interesting**_ attributes, and the Resistance had a strong boost in morale as a large number of credits changed hands, given the confirmations Finn was suddenly able to provide.

Rey ignored all the ruckus, and merely smiled beatifically whenever anyone asked her opinion on the subject. Later that night, when the Force bond opened again in what might once have been considered _**shower time**_ , she was gratified to find the Supreme leader clothed, sitting on a sofa in his quarters reading a book, and nowhere near the ‘fresher.

Rey sighed in satisfaction and relief. 

Blackmail might be an ugly word, but it had such _**delightful**_ results.


	3. These Curtains Don't Work Very Well...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the 'Fresher Accord, Rey thought she was safe. Um... no. Featuring an appearance by the hitherto unknown Jedi Force Rocks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joining a writer's group has been a good thing; I've got 5 blog posts started, and a journal article half-way finished. And then this little piece of fluff just appeared and had to be written down. So here you go.
> 
> This is a little racy, so bear that in mind. Seriously, I'm so NOT a racy person IRL, but it just pops out in my fan fiction. Or maybe it's these two?? Hmmm...
> 
> Academic trying out a creative writing exercise. You have been warned.

Jakku was a desert. It was coarse, dry and irritating. There was little water, and almost no vegetation.

These observations would not necessarily shock someone familiar with the system. The word “duh” would be directed towards whoever made that rather simplistic observation.

And yet, people lived there, adapted to the environment like cockroaches to dark places.

Those blessed to live on desert planets have a strong appreciation for anything non-desert. Fascinations with green, blue, and other cooler colors often occurred in those who escaped desert planet for better environs. Many developed unhealthy attachments to plants. Indeed, one former desert-dweller was committed to an asylum for the mentally ill on Corusaunt, after allegedly attempting to plant seeds in his head, hoping the resulting plant would enable him to carry green with him back to Tatooine.

Though the Resistance was down in numbers and has almost no fighting equipment, they still, as a result of the accumulated wealth of the late Alderaanian system and some excellent investments, were able to enjoy some of the more refined ways of living, and hiding on lush, green planets was one of those refined aspects of life. While the General might find their mode of accommodation a bit rough, to Rey of Jakku, it was the finest of luxuries to have clean, non-sandy quarters, a nearby lake, and a deep bathtub she could soak in whenever the impulse overcame her. There was even a communal bathing house, where deep pools afforded privacy and discussion, for those of a mind to talk and bathe at the same time.

There were also rip-roaring water fights.

Rey was not a bathhouse person. Bathing was a private occupation, in her opinion, and she wished it to remain so. After all, if bathing were appropriate for communal situations, she would not have that lovely holographic transmission currently taking up space on her personal datapad, a secure computer aboard the Falcon, and a third, data-chip copy presently hidden in her quarterstaff. One could never be too careful preserving the evidence when blackmail opportunities arose.

So Rey preferred to bathe privately. It was a luxury she enjoyed immensely- and she had no small amount of pleasure in relaxing into the warm water, allowing the heat to soak away the soreness from tinkering with the fighters or improving the Falcon with Chewie.

However, her reticence was not appreciated by the others. There was a large amount of gossip and other, credit-based activities (*cough* Finn’s betting pool *cough*) around her decision, and she daily received some kind of pressure to join in. The others were not happy with her excellent excuses; she was uncomfortable with the idea, she didn’t know how to swim, she did not care to bet credits on the latest rumor out of the First Order (was Hux’s red hair a sign he was Jabba the Hutt’s love child with a Twi’lek??), and really, her little bathtub suited her just fine. No, it was a personal affront to the whole Resistance when she did not participate.

Everyone understood the Jedi and the whole no-attachments thing, but most thought Rey was taking it to an unhealthy extreme. After all, it’s more fun to soak and play as a group than curled up alone in a quiet ‘fresher. Besides, who wouldn’t want to play a rousing game of Find the Gungan? Some were quite miffed. It was just plain rude to be so anti-social, and she seemed nice enough the rest of the time, for a former desert-dweller who also happened to be the only Jedi left in the Galaxy, so why not in this, too? But then, the Jedi were all a bit crazy. Everyone knew this- just look at Supreme Leader. Definitely a few kyber crystals short of a full lightsaber.

It was so distressing, several people tried to get Finn to offer odds on why Rey wouldn’t join in the fun at the bathhouse- did she not like water fights (proposed odds: 10-1)? Maybe she had a huge birthmark she was self-conscious of (proposed odds 4-1)? The Force would make her float if she tried to enter the water (proposed odds 2-1)? However, out of respect for his friend, Finn refused to allow betting on Rey’s motivations. Several were disappointed by this, not least of which was Finn, as several people wanted to put considerable amounts of money on it and he always took a percentage of the profits.

Everyone, from the General on down to BB-8 seemed intent on convincing her to join them at the bathhouse. 

Poe assured her the water was cloudy and no one could see anything, anyway, so it was perfectly private. He and BB-8 showed her a hologram recording of their last bath, and sure enough, the water was cloudy. Rey remained unconvinced.

The General told her she didn’t have to actually be _**naked**_ , but could wear something called a ‘bathing suit’, the concept of which was completely lost on Rey. Why would you wear a suit to bathe?? Still, it did at least quiet her fears of having to see more than she wished to- after all, it had only been a few weeks since the ‘Fresher Incident, and those images were seared into her memory. And datapad. Magnificent, firm images no one in their right mind would wish to forget…but images, nonetheless she did not wish to be distorted or replaced in her mind with something less than the perfection in the ‘Fresher…

Oh, wait- that’s not what she meant! She really _**DIDN’T**_ think any of it was worth remembering, it was just burned into her brain!! The disgusting way her eyes had been forced to watch a lovely set of pecs flex…er… well…

No… she did _**NOT**_ obsess over that! She had no reason to think about that each night as she went to bed! Certainly _**NOT __**_ _in the bath!_

__And obviously the idea of people wearing something to bathe was a total lie- there was definitely _ **NO**_ ‘bathing suit’ being used in the Supreme Leader’s shower… just a lot of hard muscle and..._ _

__No. Really. It’s best she not think about it at all._ _

__Finn tried on several occasions to cajole her attendance with better odds of winning in the various rumor pools he set up, and seemed vaguely hurt she refused to participate in any of the pools he established. Seriously, where was her sense of risk and adventure? After all, Finn had it from several _ **reputable**_ sources they’d heard the Supreme Leader speaking to an invisible woman in an almost _**fond**_ tone of voice. Who _**WOULDN’T**_ be interested in the latest rumor the Supreme Leader had used the Force to render his girlfriend invisible (odds 6-1)? And WHY didn’t she want to speculate on who the mystery woman is? There was even a small but vocal group insisting the Supreme Leader was actually married, and his wife was so misshapen from the Force she used her powers to cloak herself and hide her shame (odds: 5-1). Surely this was worth earning a few credits on, right?? Rey disagreed, and pointedly refused comment on any rumors concerning the Supreme Leader. Privately, she shuddered to think what Ren would say if he found out she’d been betting on him._ _

__He’d probably smirk at her. Ugh._ _

__Several people offered to teach her to swim. A few were convinced she had no need to learn because the Force would save her if she was about to drown. It would automatically levitate her out of the water, so why did she need to learn? Rey didn’t believe that, either._ _

__Rose finally convinced her to join the crowd. She pointed out there were private sections, hidden behind a curtain, where she could bathe in privacy, if she chose, but still interact with the others if she wished, moving the curtain around as necessary. And she could wear a suit if she chose- something called a bikini, which horrified and confused Rey even more when she found out what it was. What use was a bathing suit if it covered so little??_ _

__Still, she agreed to make use of a tub nearby where she could listen in and participate if she chose, and she would wear the bikini Rose got her. This mollified almost everyone to a certain extent. The rest rolled their eyes in disgust. Crazy Jedi._ _

__

__At any rate, two days later, the entire Resistance trooped down to the bathhouse, disrobed (sort of- Rey was still trying to wrap her head around the whole ‘bathing suit’ thing), and jumped in. Rey headed for a large tub in a secluded alcove, and pulled the curtain before undressing and sinking blissfully into the water._ _

__The loud splashing was fun to listen to from her little alcove, and the whole things was a bit more fun than she originally thought it might be. She got to preserve her privacy and still enjoy the company of others. She settled into the tub, pleased with the murky water, the warmth, and the sounds of camaraderie around her. The only downside was the ‘bathing suit’, which was a bit uncomfortable, but she could wiggle around and adjust things as necessary, so it didn’t take away from any of her pleasure at being part of the group._ _

__She was laughing at a joke Poe told about a Twi’lek and a Mandalorian who got caught in the bathhouse at closing time when it happened. Poe had finished the joke and everyone laughed uproariously; Rey didn’t get it at all, but she laughed anyway. She was pretty sure half Poe’s jokes weren’t funny at all, but people laughed just because Poe told them. And Poe was Poe, after all; he looked like someone who told funny jokes, so they must be funny. Right?_ _

__“Why are you laughing? That wasn’t even funny. If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume the “Best Pilot in the Resistance” was using the Force to make everyone _ **think**_ it was funny.”_ _

__Rey squawked and turned around, water sloshing out of the tub as she thrashed a bit before righting herself. Ren was standing behind her, completely clothed (thank the Maker for that!) arms folded across his chest, and That Damned Smirk on his face._ _

__Well, this was bad._ _

__“You look like you’re wearing a bikini.” She blushed. That Damned Smirk got smirkier, if that were possible. “You ARE wearing a bikini, aren’t you??”_ _

__“What are you doing here?” Rey begged the Maker for mercy, as she was pretty sure she was blushing down to her navel. Not that Ren could see that far with the cloudy water, but it was the principle of the thing. “You shouldn’t be here! We have an _ **AGREEMENT**_!”_ _

__“Oh, you know. Force bond. That little thing neither of us can control.” If it wasn’t for the fact she was in the bath and wearing a bikini ( _ **WHY**_ had she let Rose talk her into this?? _**WHY**_??) she would reach up and smack That Damned Smirk off his face. “You haven’t answered my question- you _**ARE**_ wearing a bikini, right?”_ _

__“I don’t see what business that is of yours, Supreme Leader. Technically, given the terms of our agreement, you aren’t _ **EVER**_ supposed…”_ _

__“Our agreement was limited to _ **MY**_ clothes and bathing routine; _**YOURS**_ were not negotiated.” That Smirk got wider, and Rey was tempted to the Dark Side. Surely she could come up with some swift retribution… a tied up Supreme Leader she could use however she might… _ **NO**_ …no, she was _**NOT**_ going there._ _

__“It was _ **IMPLIED**_ , Ren. Honestly, do you think I want you watching _**ME**_ every time I’m in the bath? I don’t have pervy voyeuristic tendencies, unlike _**SOME**_ people I know.”_ _

__“If you saw something you didn’t want to see in my shower, that’s not my fault. You didn’t have to look!” If Rey didn’t know any better she’d think he was about to laugh. “And you should know by now that unless it is _ **specifically**_ in the agreement, it is _**NOT**_ covered. Therefore, your bathing time is completely up for watching, should the opportunity present itself.” That Smirk grew even more smirky still (if that were possible- honestly, he already had the smirkiest smirk in existence and it kept getting *worse*) and Rey was sorely tempted Force-choke something. “And you still haven’t answered my question. Now that it’s clear I _**can**_ , regardless of previously-negotiated behavior which does _**NOT**_ apply in these circumstances, ask the question, I want to know if you are wearing a bikini.”_ _

__“You _ **KRIFFING NERFHERDER**_!” Rey yelled, “That’s a _**TECHNICALITY**_ and you _**KNOW**_ it!!” She called her towel over to her using the Force, using (slightly) too much power, and the towel smacked Ren in the head before barreling into her with the force of a small speeder._ _

"Sith Lord. We _**THRIVE**_ on technicality." That Damned Smirk was still there, despite getting beaned by her towel. Rey stood up to give him a bigger piece of her mind. 

__What happened next was never clear in Rey’s mind- it was one of those “it happened so fast” kinds of things- and she never could make hide nor hair of it. Either the force of the towel caused her tub to capsize, or the power she called from the Force overflowed and capsized the tub; all Rey knew was, the next minute, she was sprawled on the floor, her towel soaking up water next to her, as her warm bath poured out, drenching Ren’s boots, and a 4-foot geyser appeared just in front of her where the water piping had connected to her tub. Water rained down on her, soaking her hair, and causing the damned bikini to cling even more closely to her figure._ _

__Ren’s smirk turned into a huge, smirky grin. “My, my, my, little scavenger. I had no idea Jedi could turn _ **that**_ color. And what a lovely bikini. It is quite becoming on you.” Rey ignored the complementary (almost _**fond**_ tone) in Ren’s voice, and focused on the smirky grin. She grabbed her towel and wrapped it rather ineffectually around her, as she tried to sit up and slipped back down again, the towel catching on the overturned bathtub and sliding down her to pool around her knees._ _

__The world turned _ **red**_ when Ren started laughing. The man actually doubled over, his face turning red as he took in her drenched kitten look._ _

__“Stop. Laughing.” Rey’s voice carried some Force behind it. “Or I will _ **ENSURE**_ you regret this.” Ren, realizing she was serious, gestured that he was trying to stop, but unfortunately continued laughing, missing the danger he was in._ _

__The Force is not without a sense of humor; and karma is, as they say, a bitch. Ren was so caught up in the (wet) appealing picture before him, he forgot he wasn’t _ **actually**_ where he thought he was, and while attempting to step away and put some space between himself and a _**very angry**_ Rey, he collided with his droid, BB-9E, behind him. The collision sent him tumbling forward as he tried to right himself, and he landed on the geyser, drenching himself in the process, and skinning his knees up pretty good._ _

__Muttering curses under his breath, Ren looked up into Rey’s eyes, nearly level with his own. For a moment, neither could breathe. For one perfect moment, there was peace as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Then Ren smirked. Rey’s eyes narrowed._ _

__There was silence._ _

__An unnatural silence, Rey realized, as there should be noise coming from the others in the pool._ _

__The curtain began to rattle. Squealing just a bit, Rey tried to assume a more dignified position and slipped again._ _

__“Rey? Are you OK? What happened? Who were you talking to?” Finn looked genuinely confused as he pulled back the curtain and surveyed the small (wet) alcove. Rey looked behind her, and for the first time saw the water in a geyser, the overturned tub, and the (fortunately invisible) soaking wet, smirking Supreme Leader._ _

__“Talking?? What… OH!” She smiled in what she hoped was a convincing and non-crazy way. “Um…I was practicing. My mental projections. It’s a Force thing.” She waved her hands vaguely around her, and Ren shook with suppressed laughter at her discomfiture. “You know- how to make rocks talk…and…um…stuff.” Ren’s shaking increased. “Because when Jedi aren’t lifting rocks…they are talking with them. And the rocks talk back and show us the ways of the…um…Jedi. Rocks.” More vague and now slightly hysterical hand gestures; Finn didn’t look entirely convinced. Rey had hoped her tone was convincing enough to make Finn leave. It wasn’t._ _

__“Are you sure? I could have sworn you were talking to a man…” Finn’s face went blank. Rey noted Ren’s quiet, elegant gesture out of the corner of her eye._ _

__“That’s right…” Ren said, sotto voce. “The Jedi Force Rocks! I’ve heard of them.”_ _

__“That’s right.” Finn looked slightly relieved as the words left his mouth. “The Jedi Force Rocks. I’ve heard of them.” Nodding to himself, he dropped the curtain in place and went back to the larger pool. “No problem, folks!” he said, in a loud, reassuring voice. “It’s a Jedi Rocks thing. She’s fine.” Silence for a moment (Rey was sure they would _ **NEVER**_ fall for it), then Ren made another elegant gesture toward the pool, whispered again, and a quiet murmur rose up, filling the silence. Oh, yes! The Jedi Force Rocks! We’ve heard of those!_ _

__Rey turned beet red. “What was that about??” she whispered._ _

__“Hey, don’t blame me! You’re the one who came up with the idea!” That Damned Smirk was twitching, and she was pretty sure Ren was trying not to laugh. Again._ _

__“If you start laughing at me again, I swear, Ren…”_ _

__“You’ll what? Throw your bikini at me? Not that I’d be complaining, of course.”_ _

__Rey saw red. “ _ **I’ll release the recording of The Incident to the Coruscant HoloNews**_.” Ren paled. “I’m sure everyone would love to see the Little Leader in all his glory as you talk with Hux in the ‘Fresher. _**THINK**_ about the impression everyone will have of the First Order when it leaks out the Supreme Leader keeps a commlink with a hologram in the _**SHOWER**_.”_ _

__“ _ **You wouldn’t**_!”_ _

__“I _ **WOULD**_.” Rey noted with relief That Damned Smirk was gone. “So choose your next words carefully, Supreme Leader.” Rey noted the wheels were definitely turning in Ren’s head. The man might be a peeping Tom, but he was quite intelligent, and would even use it when properly motivated by the correct…um…head. _ _

__Ren stood up and offered her his hand. “Fine. We’ll do this your way.”_ _

__“I don’t need your help”_ _

__Ren snorted. “Says the drowned scavenger rat who has slipped twice trying to stand up.” Rey sniffed (he wasn’t entirely incorrect here), but took his hand, feeling his smug satisfaction through the bond as she did so. Damn. She’d forgotten about his thing with hands. It was almost…no. She was _ **NOT**_ going to think about that, either._ _

__Dragging her to her feet, Ren retrieved her towel and handed it to her. Rey glared at him as she wrapped it around herself. “We will renegotiate the ‘Fresher Accord. I will _ **NOT**_ have you ogling me during my time of relaxation and peace.” Ren wisely kept his smirking mouth shut. “And you will explain how you did that…thing” Rey twisted her hand in a poor approximation of Ren’s elegant gesture, “or the deal’s off and the galaxy meets the Little Leader.” Ren flushed a bit, but nodded, silent for a moment._ _

__“I could train you, you know. My offer still stands.” Ren paused for a moment, looking her over in a (definitely non-pervy… he hoped…) way. “You need a teacher,” he said quietly._ _

__Rey snorted. Like _ **THAT**_ would end well. “I am doing quite well on my own, thank you.”_ _

__

__The party at the bathhouse broke up shortly after this, and Rey was relieved to dry herself off properly with a new towel, put her clothes on, and follow the crowd back to their quarters, staying slightly behind so as not to attract too much attention (“ _ **SO**_ stuck up!” she heard one person say to their friend, “She wouldn’t even come over to the large pool when her tub overturned!”), and smiled sweetly whenever anyone looked her way. She had paused just outside the bath house and retrieved a decent-sized rock, which she now carried with her to (hopefully) dispel any lingering doubts about the Jedi Force Rocks._ _

__A moment later, she was surprised (and horrified) when the General dropped back and came to walk next to her. “I hope you enjoyed your first bathhouse experience, Rey.” The General smiled kindly. “It was nice having you with us, listening to Poe’s terrible jokes.”_ _

__Rey smiled weakly. “It was certainly…interesting.” She paused, considering. “I enjoyed myself.” Her smile grew a bit stronger as she thought about the camaraderie and fun she’d had…before. Well. Before._ _

__“I’m glad to hear it.” The General paused for a moment, then continued. “That was quite a show of the Force there. I haven’t felt the Force like that for many years, since my son was small.” Rey’s stomach leaped into her throat before plummeting to her feet. “He was always influencing people to believe the strangest things.” The look she gave Rey told her the gig was up. “Once he convinced Han the Force would grow worms in his ears. Han went around for days wearing ear-plugs to prevent it, until Luke sorted things out.” Rey flushed slightly, and kept her mouth tightly closed. “That idea with the Jedi Rocks…well, it sounds a lot like something he would come up with.”_ _

__The General watched Rey carefully. Rey’s smile was brittle and a little crazy. “Does it? That’s funny. I was…um…quite serious… at the time. Um… you know.” Rey waved her hand slightly. “New place, new experience. New rocks!”_ _

__“I see.” The General’s look was shrewd, and for one wild moment, Rey nearly confessed everything. “Well, the next time the _ **kriffing nerf-herder**_ shows up, tell him I said ‘hello’.” She smirked at Rey (ugh…it was _**JUST**_ like Ren’s!), and moved back up to talk with Poe, ignoring the fact Rey was white as a sheet, and clutching her rock for all it was worth._ _

__

__Meanwhile, on the Finalizer, the Supreme Leader was dry, changed, and sitting at the desk in his quarters, fighting off the occasional chuckle (Jedi Rocks! Why hadn’t _ **HE**_ thought of that??), and replaying the whole encounter in his mind. _ _

__It was obvious Rey wasn’t entirely clear the tub had _ **help**_ getting overturned, and he wasn’t about to confess to being that help. After all the amount of Force she’d used was a bit unstable, and these kinds of accidents _**could**_ happen. If she’d just answered his question, he wouldn’t have to resort to such drastic measures. But she wouldn’t, so he did._ _

__What had been a boring, no-account day was suddenly transformed to one he’d treasure for all time. Yes, there were new stipulations in the ‘Fresher Accord he’d have to abide by, but he now had a lovely memory to commit to Holocron. It would be nice, at the end of a long day, to review the entire meeting at his leisure and enjoy it properly. He might even show it to Rey at some point, so she would lay off using the ‘Fresher footage as blackmail, but for right now, he was going to keep this his little secret._ _

__A nice little secret, indeed._ _


	4. Superstition in the Ranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ren has some fun, and the Jedi Rage is unleashed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter...because I can't get these two out of my head. I have a couple more I'm percolating, so I've taken off the chapter-by-chapter thing. However, I make no promises regarding regular posting, just that there WILL be posting as things are written. Academic-ing keeps me busy, but I'll do my best. This is what writer's groups are for, right???
> 
> While I don't necessarily go for the whole "Comments motivate me!!" manipulation-thing, they really do! ;)

Stormtroopers are superstitious. The smallest thing sends them into a tailspin of good luck, bad luck, and the various charms and accouterments attending such reasoning. In fact, the black market for good luck amulets was second only to the betting pools.

There were amulets for better relationships with officers and significant others, there were bracelets for dealing with Phasma, gold coins protecting against the wrath of Kylo Ren, and incantations for patrolling the Supreme Leader’s corridor. The troopers were vague about what they needed protection *from*, merely that they needed it, and this incantation never failed. Something about the protection of the Goldenrod God on his twirling throne- those who did not patrol that area of the ship could never pry out the exact formula used, only that the troopers involved swore it worked. 

With the death of Supreme Leader Snoke, the incantation was not exactly discontinued- there were a couple of troopers who swore they’d seen Snoke’s ghost prowling around the throne-room- but modified and repeated while brushing the gold coins previously used for protection from Kylo Ren. Usually, these coins were worn in the gloves, so the trooper could brush them without anyone being aware, and mutter the incantation under their breath as they passed by, conventional wisdom stating the incantation must be spoken, and not just thought clearly.

The new Supreme Leader was rather mystified when he first heard slight raspy breathing from the squads passing him as he stalked through the halls; several times he was certain Darth Vader was haunting him, but if he *were*, the late Dark Lord never showed himself.

Ren felt some measure of disappointment every time.

Still, it wasn’t the Supreme Leader’s job to mingle with the rabble, and Hux and the higher-ranked officers certainly never rasped in front of him, so he didn’t put two and two together, so to speak. 

In fact, he wasn’t even aware of the booming trade in superstitious aids. Supreme Leader Ren initially showed interest in the betting pools, ordering them closed on pain of Force-Choking after the Incident, though of course they just went more ‘underground’ and flourished despite his edict. Finally, he gave up; it didn’t make sense to Force-choke every stormtrooper and officer in the Order, and as long as there were no bets regarding his…um, personal attributes… well, it kept morale high. So live and let live. Though Maker help the person who got caught placing money on the Supreme Leader.

Hux, of course, was a different story, and Ren encouraged all the betting there he could, just to goad the general into a rage. Ren even indulged himself a few times and won a tidy sum of credits. At the moment, he had a bet at 100-1 odds that Hux was was actually the Resistance’s Jedi, hopelessly in love with the Supreme Leader and assuming the Hux persona just to be near him, while the REAL Hux languished away in a Jedi dungeon, drooling on his pillow in a Force-induced coma. 

This was the kind of supposition he could get behind. For some unknown reason, FN-2187 had kept in contact with some of his former comrades, and any rumor that hit the First Order hit the Resistance a few days later. Ren had to contain his glee at what would happen when Rey heard the rumor, as she undoubtedly would; he was certain she would be terribly amused by his cleverness. Since she enjoyed tormenting Hux as much as he did, he knew she'd love it. Ren already planned for Rey’s assistance procuring evidence supporting his position, and he was looking forward to the fallout.

Rey’s assistance, yes. Their fun with Hux even more.

 

Ren did not clearly understand the give-and-take relationship between the two opposing sides until several days after the Contretemps. He was striding along the hall toward the bridge, and passed a squad of stormtroopers heading the opposite way, the weird rasping sound getting closer as they approached, when there was a light clinking noise, and a small rock clattered out in front of him. The hall was suddenly pin-drop silent, except for the noise of troopers marching in formation. The atmosphere grew thick with fear, so strongly Ren felt a shift in the Force.

Stooping down, Ren picked it up- it was small, smooth, and had two white dots painted on the upper surface. Mystified, Ren turned the rock over. Written in small characters were the words “Force Protect Me”; the calligraphy poorly done, but readable. 

What in SPACE was this??

Ren continued on to the bridge, the rock held tightly in his palm. When he arrived, he swept over to the first junior officer in the room and showed him the rock.

“What. Is THIS?”

The officer looked about to swallow his tongue, visibly shaking at being accosted by the Supreme Leader. “Uhmm… it…ah…”

“YES??”

The officer swallowed. “It’s…ah…it’s a Force Rock. Supreme Leader.”

Ren thanked the Maker he was wearing his mask. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head, surely not a look the Supreme Leader (and master of the Force) would wear confronted with something the rabble apparently thought was a Force-related object. “And what are Force Rocks doing on MY ship?”

“I…could not say, sir. They have…uhmmm… become popular amongst…ah…the lower ranks over the past several days. They are thought to protect the bearer against…um…harm. Supreme Leader.”

The officer appeared to be bracing for something, taking deep breaths and almost cringing away as Ren stared at him. Ren quickly rifled through the man’s mind. It was all he knew.

Placing the rock in his pocket and turning quickly, he swept up to Hux at the viewport. 

 

Two hours later, Ren strode from the bridge and compelled the first trooper he came across to follow him to a briefing room. 

“You will tell me everything you know about the Force Rocks” With the Force compelling him, the stormtrooper spilled his guts. The information was…enlightening.

Ren had a hard time not laughing his head off. 

Word of the “Jedi Force Rocks” had reached the Supremacy shortly after his delightful interlude in the bathhouse with Rey. The rank-and-file embraced the idea whole-heartedly, and a booming trade in the new rocks sprung up, promising the bearers of said rocks protection from all matter of evil and the Dark Side. When Ren asked where this information had come from, he nearly laughed out loud at the reply.

According to the trooper, the Resistance’s Jedi was found using one a few days ago. People were not sure exactly what was going on at first, but then they saw her carrying the rock and it all became clear when the General asked her to give her regards to the Kriffing Nerfherder, because the Jedi clutched her rock and turned white! She was obviously talking with the rock, passing on the General’s best wishes telepathically through the Force.

Ren shook with suppressed laughter. This was so much better than he could have come up with on his own.

The stormtrooper was starting to cringe a bit, no doubt worried about Ren’s famous temper. 

Ren decided he needed to confirm what he’d been told; it never hurt to make sure you heard what you thought you heard. “The Resistance’s Jedi carries one, and she calls it the Kriffing Nerfherder.” Somehow, he kept his voice even and humorless. The trooper nodded. 

The Supreme Leader shook harder, gesturing for him to continue, “What does the Jedi do with the…um…Nerfherder?”

“She carries The Nerfherder all the time, communing with it to gain a deeper understanding of the Force, giving her an edge over the Dark Side so she can defeat the First Order.” The trooper’s voice was starting to sound a bit glassy from the persuasion, and Ren backed it down a bit, no use forcing the man too hard, or he’d end up a shaking husk and that was just more trouble than it was worth.

“Rumor has it the rock told her it’s name while she meditated on it in the bath! Everyone says it’s a great honor for a Rock to tell you their name; it grants you favor among the most powerful Force rocks, and gives the bearer access to their power. The Nerfherder is pure crystal, marked by the Force itself, and the Jedi uses its power to purify her aura.” Ren nearly snorted. 

“What else can you tell me about these rocks?” If the trooper thought the Supreme Leader’s question strange, he was too Force-loopy to realize it, and answered immediately.

“According to our…um…sources, the best rocks have some crystal in them, because they provide better protection to the non-forcers who use them. The rocks and the coins are said to provide protection against the Dark Side of the Force, and the troopers who patrol the Throne room swear that a rock, a gold coin, and the incantation will protect them against the ghost of the late Leader Snoke, who haunts the level where he was murdered.” The trooper was warming to his story now. “No one will tell us the exact incantation, though, so we don’t know if it can be used for other…um…uses.” 

The trooper wasn’t so far gone as to mention the rank-and-file were protecting themselves from Ren himself, but Ren saw the thought in his mind and preened a bit- he loved inspiring fear in the troops- noticing the picture in the trooper’s mind of how this was supposed to happen, the rock, the coin, and the incantation, working together as the troopers patrolled the halls.

That explained the rasping. Ren indulged a slight moment of anger and disappointment he hadn’t heard Darth Vader after all. 

Damn troopers and their damn superstitions.

“How powerful is this rock?” He held up the specimen he had acquired earlier. The trooper shivered with excitement, and tried to reach up and grab it.

“Oh, that’s a powerful rock! The Force has written the words of protection on the rock itself, guaranteeing the owner’s safety!” The trooper seemed in awe of such power almost within his grasp. “Only the most powerful rocks have Force-writing on them! The only thing that would make it even more powerful would be if it were crystal. This doesn’t have any that I can see.”

Ren decided to have a little fun.

“The crystal is inside the rock, you fool. How else would the writing manifest itself?”

“Crystal can DO that?”

Ren snorted- a terrifying sound through his voice modulator. “Of COURSE it can! This rock is a disciple of the Dark Side; it hides it’s crystal away so the Light cannot touch it. It called to me from its previous owner, and fell into my path. It belongs to me, now.” Ren lowered his voice and used the Force to magnify his words. “With this, I can root out the traitors in the First Order and consolidate my rule over the galaxy.”

Ren swore he could see the trooper’s eyes widening, even through the helmet. The man’s thoughts were a jumble of fear, awe, and “WOW!” 

“You have provided me with valuable information, TK-432- and you will be rewarded.” Ren passed his hand over the man’s head and the trooper collapsed into a Force-sleep. “Very valuable information indeed!’

 

TK-432 woke up an hour later, a bit confused as to why he was in a conference room he should not have access to as a stormtrooper, a little freaked out he was still breathing after his encounter with the Supreme Leader, relieved there were no bruises around his neck (thank the Maker! No Force-choking!) and terribly excited to find his squad and share what he had learned. There were Force Rocks on the Dark Side! The Supreme Leader had found one, and was going to root out traitors! 

The betting pools in the barracks had a thriving business that night. Who were the traitors? Who would be the first to be rooted out by the Supreme Leader’s Dark Rock? How much crystal must a rock hide to have Dark tendencies? Was Hux living on borrowed time??

Ren put a bit of money on that last- the odds were definitely in his favor.

 

It was another 24 hours before the bond connected Ren to Rey. She was sitting at a table reading…something…and Ren smirked when he saw her.

“Still trying to decipher the sacred Jedi Texts?”

Rey squeaked and jumped a foot out of her chair. “Stop that! You know I hate it when you sneak up on me like that!”

“Sorry.” Ren’s smirk widened, not the least bit repentant, and Rey knew it. “Heard anything interesting out of the Order this week?”

“Ummm…no? Should I have?”

“I don’t know- I’m not sure exactly how quickly the rumors reach FN-2187 from the Order.” Ren shrugged. “But you should hear something of…interest…soon.”

“Interest?” Rey’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I may have…gotten excited and…added to the Jedi Rocks thing.”

“OK, what?? You ADDED to the Jedi Rocks? What does that have to do with a rumor at the Order? And how is anyone in the First Order familiar with our little bathhouse farce?” Rey suddenly looked murderous. “If you’ve told ANYONE about that, I’ll consider it a breach of the renegotiated ‘Fresher Accord and…”

“Calm down, Rey; I didn’t have anything to do with the rumor reaching the First Order. I found out about it accidentally yesterday; one of the stormtroopers dropped his rock in front of me while they were on patrol. My… investigation…” Rey rolled her eyes at that, “uncovered the rumor. And the…um…interesting ideas that grew up around it.”

Rey was pretty sure she needed to sit down (ugh…she already was!) and try not to be sick. Or maybe pull out some Corellian whiskey. If the size of Ren’s smirk was anything to go by, this was going to be embarrassing to the Nth degree and being drunk might be a Good Thing. “Do I even want to know?”

Ren’s smirk grew just a bit. “According to TK-432, you carry a Jedi rock of pure crystal called the Kriffing Nerfherder, and you commune with it to cleanse your aura and plan the First Order’s demise.“ Rey turned white, then red with embarrassment. Her shoulder shook a little, either with suppressed laughter or suppressed tears, Ren couldn’t say. “That’s what the rabble believe, anyway.” Rey covered her eyes with her hand. 

Ren smirked. He might be enjoying himself juuuust a bit too much with this. “I found out about it when one of the rocks slipped out of a ‘trooper’s grasp and landed in front of me. Apparently, the Force caused writing to appear on the surface, which makes it a particularly powerful talisman.” He pulled the rock out and showed it to Rey, who eyed it with distaste. 

“So let me get this straight- the Stormtroopers are carrying rocks to protect themselves? And the writing indicates a rock strong in the Force?” Rey shook her head. “Where did this ridiculous idea come from?”

Ren smirked. Harder. Rey grimaced. She HATED it when he did that.

“According to my…source… ‘troopers are pretty superstitious. There is some prayer to a Goldenrod God to protect against Snoke’s ghost, and I guess they carry gold coins to protect themselves against me.” Rey snorted- as if THAT would help. “So, when the rumor about the Nerfherder came through from the Resistance- I haven’t found FN-2187’s contacts yet- the ‘troopers took it and ran with it.”

Rey sighed. Loudly. No one told her anything a Jedi did could be misinterpreted so badly; how was she supposed to bring hope and light to the galaxy if everyone thought she was carrying Force Rocks and waving them around for protection? A slight niggle of anger flared. If Skywalker’s Force ghost ever showed up for a chat, they were going to have WORDS. 

“Was that…ANGER, Jedi??“

Rey rolled her eyes. Of course Lord Devious Dark One would pick up on that. “Leave it, Ren. Before I really get mad.”

“Anger, fear, depression- the Dark Side are they!!” Ren’s voice when high and kind of wonky, like he was mimicking someone, but Rey had no clue who that might be, so she ignored it.

“This is RIGHTEOUS anger, you daft Dark-sider. Even Jedi are allowed that!”

“Where did you hear that, one of those *sacred* Jedi texts?? No, they aren’t! Didn’t you just hear the words of the great MASTER YODA??”

“Master who???”

Ren nearly saw red.

“My Uncle didn’t tell you about HIS master?” He couldn’t believe it. The GALL of that man! “All I ever heard about was ‘Yoda THIS and Master Yoda THAT’. And he didn’t mention him to you at all???” Of course. Of COURSE she would miss the reference. Damn depressed Jedi Masters and their need to destroy the Jedi Order. If his uncle ever decided to come for a chat, they were going to have WORDS. 

Rey tried to assume the air of a fully-trained Jedi Knight with the Force as her ally. “It did not come up. Our lessons covered…other topics.” Like fishing and milking the wildlife. Rey suppressed a shudder.

Ren sighed- Rey’s thoughts having come through the bond clearly- and suppressed his own shudder at an image of his uncle milking some kind of sea creature and drinking fluorescent green milk. “You need a teacher.”

“If you’re offering, I will refer you to the last 5 times you’ve brought it up.” Rey gave him a pointed look. “Back to business Supreme Leader. What’s going on with the Rocks?”

Annoyed, Ren got back to business, making a mental note to come up with more persuasive arguments for their next visit. “Well, I had a…thought. Inspired really. I told the ‘trooper this wasn’t a Jedi rock. It was aligned with the Dark Side and had found its way to me to help me root out traitors in the First Order. Since Dark Side rocks hide their crystal within so it can’t be corrupted by the light, no one would know it was a Dark Side rock until it calls to them, as this one did me. “ Rey moaned a bit and covered her face with her hands. Ren had to admit, her little moan of horror *did things* to him. His smirk returned. “THIS rock is a powerful Dark rock that will help me root out traitors in the First Order.”

Rey sighed again. Deeply. “Hux?”

Ren shrugged. “Probably. At least this might keep him in line a little bit longer.”

“Ok. OKAY. So, there are Sith rocks now.” Ren snorted at that characterization, but didn’t say anything. “And you may or may not have one helping you rule the First Order.”

Ren shrugged, looking a little TOO pleased. “Yes. It makes sense, if you think about it.”

“NOTHING about this makes sense, Ren. I was just trying to find a way to cover up the fact you were in the bathhouse, and now we are caught up a cosmic rock fight, cleansing our auras and rooting out traitors! And cleansing my aura?? Really?? That’s crazy, Ren!”

“I’m sure there’s a crazy Jedi back there at some point who tried it. They got a little weird in their old age. Look at Skywalker!”

“That is NOT helpful, Ren! How are we going to correct this? We have to find a way…and what about HUX??”

“What about him?”

“Isn’t he planning a coup?”

“Probably. I’ve got some…financial arrangements with Hux right now I’d like to see finished before his coup happens, anyway, so this will just move things along.”

Ren seemed a bit too smug, here. Rey did not like it at all. “Wait a minute…FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS??” If she weren’t already sitting down with her face in her hands, she would be now. “You’ve been BETTING on Hux, haven’t you?”

Ren shrugged. “Maybe.”

Rey moaned slightly. This was turning into some trashy holonet soap-opera, complete with murder, betrayal, and a twisted romance…except, of course, she and Ren were NOT romantically involved. They were NOT.

Maybe if she told herself that enough times, she might even believe it.

“Do I want to know what your bets were?”

Ren smirked. Even more smirky than usual. (Why, Rey asked herself, was he always outdoing his previous level of smirkiness? Rey would think he’d reached the smirkiest level he could be, and he’d get WORSE.) “I don’t know- would I get to see more of the Righteous Jedi Anger?”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Really Ren? Really?”

“It’s the principle of the thing, Rey. You should know that by now.”

Rey snorted. “Principles? What are those? It’s not like you have any principles at all.”

Ren was enjoying himself way too much now. “Oh, I have principles. You’ve informed me on several occasions that they’re bad ones!”

Aaaannnddd….The Force Bond winked out.

Damn Force Bond.

 

Still, Ren was having more fun than he’d had in years. He attached his rock to a chain and wore it over his tunic, prominently displayed for all to see. Now when he stalked around, he fingered the rock when he passed troopers and officers alike, to see who would cower. And so many did. 

It was quite invigorating.

It took him some time to figure out who should be the first Rock Victim…but eventually, he came upon a trooper actually plotting something; Ren wasn’t exactly clear if it was a coup or plans to use his stash of Corellian whiskey. Still, the Dark Rock levitated and pointed in his direction, Ren put on his best tantrum, and the trooper was thrown into the brig.

Everyone was more careful after that.

Hux actually topped sneering in Ren’s direction for all of two hours.

 

It was another day before they could continue their conversation. In the meantime, three more troopers and a couple of junior officers had been “identified” by the rock, and were now awaiting trial in the brig. Ren hadn’t quite decided what to do with them yet… whatever he decided, it had to be worthy of his deviousness.

There was the added benefit that Hux’s sneering was almost completely gone. Mostly.

When the bond activated, Ren was thrilled; finally, a chance to coordinate their strategies and figure out how to make this profitable for both of them! Fortunately, the room he was in was empty, and he quickly locked the door, turning with his best smirk in place to greet Rey. Until he saw a terribly angry Rey; quarterstaff held in readiness (he didn’t THINK it could harm him, but he wasn’t sure), and rage blazing out of every pore. The smirk disappeared pretty quickly. This was no Righteous Jedi Anger- this was a full-on Jedi Rage.

“YOU BET THAT I AM POSING AS HUX BECAUSE I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU???” Ren barely dodged the blow she leveled at his head. “YOU KRIFFING, BANTHA-LOVING NERFHERDER!” Another blow blocked, barely, as Ren tried desperately to keep his balance and formulate some kind of coherent response. 

Damn. She knew. Apparently, she did not see the humor in this.

“What are you talking about??” Ren dodged another blow to the gut that would have knocked him over if he weren’t careful, and tried to assume an air of innocent nonchalance. “You know I don’t…”

“Don’t EVEN ATTEMPT to lie to me, Ren! THAT’S your ‘Financial Arrangement’ regarding Hux- I can FEEL it when you’re lying, and THAT was a LIE!” There was another problem with the Damn Force-bond- she could ALWAYS tell when he was lying.

“Rey, you know I would never do anything to make you uncomfor…”

“I have HOLOGRAPHIC evidence that is NOT true!” Well, Ren couldn’t debate that one. He dodged another blow to the head.

“Careful, Rey- I don’t sense any righteousness behind this anger…” A swipe to his legs.

“Don’t EVEN joke with me about it when you’ve…you’ve …“

“I’ve what? Decided to make a little money at Hux’s expense?”

“AND MINE!”

“This isn’t at your expense!” Ren dodged another blow to the gut.

“Yes, it IS!” Rey took another swipe at his legs, but he hurdled it easily. “WHAT did you THINK was going to happen when THAT hit the Resistance? People would laugh and jump for joy at the thought of their Jedi being hopelessly in love with their mortal ENEMY? The enemy, I might add, who ordered them all killed?” Another punch to his gut that nearly made contact. “This morning, three of the general’s aids told me I didn’t deserve to be in the briefing, because I might pass on Intel to the First Order! They actually BELIEVE I could be posing as Hux! You daft IDIOT!”

OK, maybe he hadn’t thought this completely through; he had expected the Resistance to have less reliance on gossip, but apparently, that wasn’t the case. “Surely the General doesn’t fall for a rumor like that!”

Rey snorted and threw the quarterstaff down. “No. She reprimanded them for believing stupid rumors out of the Order.” A calculating smile crossed her face. “Oh, and YOUR MOTHER sends her BEST regards to the Kriffing Nerfherder.”

Ren’s face turned white(er) and then red. “The rock?”

“No. YOU.”

Ren was furious. “THAT breaks the Falcon Treaty! You agreed never to speak with the General about her relationship with me, OR to communicate with her about our Force Bond on pain of…”

“I didn’t tell her a thing, or break the Treaty- you can blame yourself for that. She recognized your Force signature in the bath house and gave me the message when we were leaving.”

“That’s a TECHNICALITY, Rey!”

Rey smiled broadly, the devious nature chilling Ren to the core. He hated That Smile. “You didn’t negotiate what should happen if YOUR MOTHER figured it out all on her own!” That Smile got worse. “You should have used the rotting rathtar brains between your ears and been more clear in your negotiations!”

Ren stepped closer, trying desperately to reign in his anger. “Rotting rathtar brains. Is THAT the best you can come up with??”

“It certainly beats trying to convince people I’m in love with you and pretending to be Hux. HUX Ren! HUX! What WERE you thinking??”

“I was thinking someone as madly in love with me as you are would do ANYTHING to be around me!”

Rey’s fist flashed through the air so quickly Ren didn’t even sense the danger in the Force until his face suddenly jerked sideways. Pain bloomed across his chin. Fury rose up inside him as he rose to his full height, bearing down menacingly on Rey, who stood taller and went toe to toe with him, rage boiling from every pore.

“I’m NOT in…” Whatever Rey was going to say was lost, because the next thing she knew, Ren’s lips were on her, and she didn’t really remember quite what she had been saying… 

Time stopped as he pulled her closer and she melted into him. A squad of stormtroopers passed the room, their boots echoing noisily in the conference room. Several officers passed by, talking loudly. Neither Rey nor Ren cared. All that mattered was that this continued for the foreseeable future. Or maybe a couple of geologic ages. Neither would complain if they stayed like this for the rest of eternity.

When Rey finally regained consciousness, she was plastered against Ren and her arms were twined around his neck, her fingers splayed through his (ridiculously perfect) hair, one leg wrapped around his waist, while his arms were tight around her, holding her about 4 inches off the ground.

Ren smiled against her lips. “You were saying, sweetheart?”

Rey couldn’t make her brain function, so she moved in for another kiss… and found herself dropped on the floor.

The Bond had winked out.

Damn force-bond.

 

Ren emerged from the now-smoking conference room looking so murderous several troopers turned around and went the other direction when he stalked by them. Within a few hours, Ren’s face sported a lovely bruise no one was brave enough to comment on (though his ego was quite alright, thank you VERY much), and he found a “conspiracy” amongst several mid-level officers that lead to three more arrests.

It was a Good, Good Day. In a cock-blocked kind of way. If there was such a thing.

 

Two days later, his bruise a lovely shade of green and purple, as Ren stalked toward the bridge he caught a stray thought from a trooper who passed him on the other side of the hallway, something about Rotting Rathtar Brains being the way to the Dark Side. Ignoring it, Ren continued on to the bridge, only to hear “Rotting Rathtar Brains” repeated by a junior officer he passed. The third time he heard it, he started to get a bit annoyed. The fifth time nearly caused a full-on temper tantrum, but he contented himself with forcing the trooper to spill his guts. 

Really, he should have seen this coming. The personnel on this ship were much too comfortable eavesdropping, and gossiping was a professional sport.

A squad of troopers had passed by the briefing room he occupied while ‘chatting’ with Rey, and apparently, a couple had overheard his reference to Rotting Rathtar Brains. When the maintenance crew cleaned up the damage in the conference room (Code Niner-Red-Niner- for a so-called “Force-Tantrum”, as the clean-up crews called it), they put their heads together and decided the Supreme Leader must have been talking with his Dark Rock. The troopers, when THEY heard about it, put THEIR heads together and decided THIS must be the name of his Sith Rock.

Furthermore, the Supreme Leader and the Rotting Rathtar Brains were getting along so well, the Leader had fallen on his face in ecstasy during a Force trance and got the bruise on his face. Rathtar Brains had assured the Supreme Leader the bruise would bring the leader of the First Order traitors into his path, allowing him to secure the First Order for his own Dark Purposes.

Ren felt a strong urge to sit down and hide his face in his hands.

Damn superstitious stormtroopers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Ever-So-Reylo, from whom I borrowed the reference to geological ages; seriously, you've never been kissed if you didn't get lost for an age or two in the process. ;)


	5. Logic and the Rabble... and Interesting Observations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey and Ren enjoy their new...understanding...and Poe shows his true colors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Note the change in ratings and the new tags. I'm not one to write smut (really- I leave that to the professionals and the people who are *good* at that sort of thing) but apparently, this fic is determined to be smutty, and have a little BDSM thrown in for good measure.
> 
> I have no idea where this came from, or what is going to happen next. Apparently, these characters are determined to do their own thing. So we'll see where this goes.
> 
> I am going to rewrite the first chapter and put it in context with the rest of the story as it has now evolved, so that should happen in the next couple of weeks. After all, the General got her Hux question answered, and there is a whole lot of context there that has developed over the last several chapters. I've already got the next chapter started, but I've been adulting quite a bit the last several weeks (note the length of time between this post and the last) so again, no guarantees on when the updates will come- just that they will.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> *Disclaimer* I know very little about the BDSM lifestyle outside of what I've read in fan fiction (some of which has been quite good, I must say), and I'm sure that shows. I am also of the opinion that BDSM is wonderful between two consenting adults, behind closed doors, and that is reflected in this post.

With the discovery of the Rotting Rathtar Brains (and the Supreme Leader’s ecstatic relationship with said Brains) stormtrooper life became almost…fun. So many questions, so few answers, SUCH wonderful odds! Who would be the next traitor rooted out by the Supreme Leader and his powerful Dark Rock? How does one protect oneself against Dark Rocks? Do you even NEED the Rocks’ protection when you serve the Supreme Leader? And why on earth was Hux still around?? Unless the Supreme Leader didn’t KNOW the Resistance’s Jedi was in love with him; he did seem kind of oblivious to those sorts of things. But then, this was a guy who used the Force to keep his wife hidden from sight because she was so misshapen (no one dared say ‘ugly’ because Supreme Leader Ren surely would not take kindly to such an insult), so who knows? 

A few stormtroopers pointed out the Supreme Leader didn’t seem like the type to hide things (after all, the Rathtar Brains were prominently displayed immediately after he acquired them- and surely a *wife* would rank higher than a rock???), Force-users had that strange idea about attachments (how weird was THAT??) and the Resistance’s Jedi was quite pretty, so it would make sense that the Supreme Leader would sit up and take notice, assuming that Dark Siders were allowed that kind of thing… Honestly, no one really understood the whole Force dogma here anyway, because obviously, if attachments were forbidden, the Supreme Leader’s attachment to the Rotting Rathtar Brains (the RRB, as some troopers had taken to calling it) wouldn’t be possible. So surely the Supreme Leader would take notice. 

Maybe. 

If she was his type. 

There were whispers…but no one wanted to talk about those. Especially with the RRB around, divining these things to the Supreme Leader. It might be considered plotting, and no one was quite willing to hand themselves to the Supreme Leader on a Force-choking platter. Not even a Force Rock (especially one of those Light Rocks) could protect you from that, as a couple of troopers now attested. 

However, protection purveyors were undaunted, and the black market now had two kinds of coins guaranteeing protection against Kylo Ren, while another trooper swore he had a fool-proof incantation for protection specifically from the Supreme Leader’s famous temper. Apparently, it appealed to the RRB for protection for those loyal to the Dark Side, and the trooper claimed to have successfully used it three times in the Supreme Leader’s presence.

Anyway.

The others were pretty sure the Supreme Leader was oblivious and had no clue the Jedi (What was her name?? Row??) was smitten with him at all. Obviously she couldn’t be on the Finalizer in person- she did, after all, kill the late Supreme Leader Snoke (for which most troopers were terribly grateful)- so she had to do something, and Hux *had* been acting strange lately; he’d mostly stopped sneering at the Supreme Leader and was almost respectful when they spoke, so of course there must have been body-snatching involved. 

In fact, one trooper came across the General at the beginning of the day cycle looking less than immaculate, wearing a red collar on his coat. It shocked the trooper so badly, he nearly ran into a wall. Surely this was a sign the Jedi had taken him over?? Wasn’t red their color?

On the other hand, the odds of Hux being the leader of the supposed coup against the Supreme Leader were quite high (odds 8-9), and no one thought the Jedi, madly in love as she was, would plot her lover’s demise. 

The RRB would definitely clue the Supreme Leader in on THAT.

Of course, there were fantastic odds for those willing to bet on what was going on with the Supreme Leader, if those involved were willing to take the risk. Not many were. After all, there was a fine line between “happy and healthy” and “force-choked within an inch of your life for stupidly betting on ANYTHING related personally to the Supreme Leader”.

Stormtroopers might be less than highly intelligent and terribly superstitious, but they weren’t *stupid*.

 

The Supreme Leader was more aware of these discussions than the troopers knew; certainly more than he might previously have been. The RRB/Jedi Rocks/Nerfherder Situation had…educated him on the importance of keeping an eye on the Stormtrooper Grapevine of Misinformation. It was not pleasant to have these kinds of things sprung on him unawares, and making sure the troopers were on his side would be helpful in the future, when the RRB no longer cowed Hux into submission. If the stormtroopers were loyal to him…well, Hux could take a one-way trip to Mustafar for a personal visit with the lava.

Though he had connected with Rey a few times since their memorable encounter over the Hux rumor, there hadn’t been much discussion taking place. The first time, Rey was occupied with a Resistance meeting, and Ren had barely found that little spot behind her ear that drove her mad (revenge, he thought, for all the times she’d used That Smile in his presence) before the bond had broken and left both of them horribly frustrated.

The second time the bond opened, Rey contented herself with gently scratching her fingers across his scalp during a meeting of the First Order leadership before the bond winked out, gratified when Ren shivered so strongly several officers asked if the heat in the room needed to be adjusted.

Yeah. Two could play that game.

The third time the bond connected they were both blessedly alone, and several minutes passed in a frenzy of lips, tongues, and soft moans (Ren truly hoped there was no one outside the room he was in- Maker only knew what rumors would start if they were heard), as Rey did her best to heal the lovely bruise fading on his chin by covering it in kisses.

When the frenzy died down, Ren had the opportunity to look around (the bond was never consistent about who showed up where- sometimes he showed up where she was, others she showed up where HE was), and realized he could see the Resistance base where Rey was currently living. The fighter hanger, to be specific, and Rey was shielded from general view (much to Ren’s relief) by the X-Wing she had been tinkering on and a large stack of crates holding Maker knew what. Still, they had just made out in a public space where anyone could have seen- and they should be more careful. After all, Maker only knew what the rumor mill at the Resistance would come up with if Rey was seen plastered up against an invisible something of which she was obviously quite fond.

Ren preened a bit at that last bit. Fond, indeed!

Still, his recent experiences left him leery, Rey was still mad that certain Resistance leadership were eyeing her with mistrust, and after making sure no one was actually around, he turned and moved to draw Rey on the other side of the crates, to make their conversation even more private.

Rey was giggling slightly- after all, the Supreme Leader of the First Order was pulling her behind some crates to make out while her friends in the Resistance went about their daily lives completely unaware! These things just can’t be made up! Ren tugged harder on her hand and shushed her as they rounded the corner, when he came to a complete standstill.

Ren, in fact, stopped so suddenly Rey ran into him. She looked up to ask what was wrong and was surprised to see complete shock on his face. She followed his gaze and her own mouth dropped open as well.

“Rey…um….I…I think we…” Rey couldn’t even nod in agreement, and silently thanked the Maker no one else could see or hear Ren, because there was no WAY she wanted to attract the attention of the couple in front of her.

A guttural moan sounded from Finn’s throat as Rose roughly pushed a leather riding crop along his spine and jiggled the chain attached to…what the Maker was THAT?? A BANTHA collar??

Rey tried not to notice that both her friends were stark naked and Rose had…something…strapped to her crotch, which she was enthusiastically rutting against Finn. Rey, desperately wishing to see NO MORE, focused on their faces.

“You’ve been very good, Finn. A very good boy. You’ve earned your collar. Do you like it?”

“Yes, Mistress! It’s a perfect collar!”

Rose leaned over and fingered the collar, rutting the entire time. 

“Shall I let you come?

“Yes, Mistress! Please let me come!” Finn moaned again as Rose ran the crop up his back and smacked his neck with it. “Please! I’ve been very good today, Mistress!”

Rey was pretty sure she didn’t want to see exactly how good Finn was today… and she was almost as sure Ren didn’t, either. However, she seemed to be Force-frozen and unable to move… Fortunately for Rey, Ren came to his senses and silently pulled her away, Finn’s begging a quiet soundtrack to their departure.

Rey looked at Ren. Ren looked at Rey. Both their faces were red, and Ren’s eyes were a bit glassy. Rey was pretty sure hers were, too.

From behind them, a loud, guttural moan echoed through the small space, followed by the snap of leather on skin. Rey shuddered.

“What was THAT??” she whispered.

“I’m not sure I want to know.” Ren grimaced and turned even more red. “I don’t know how I am going to be able to erase THAT from my mind.”

“Yeah.” Rey flushed even more. “There are…well, there are SOME things I just don’t need to know about my friends.” Rey shuddered again. “Tell me there’s a way to wipe your brain using the Force??”

“When I find it, I’ll definitely let you know.”

 

The Force bond winked out a few minutes later, both Rey and Ren wide-eyed and rather embarrassed just from looking at each other, and hearing the occasional snap behind the crates. It took Rey a couple of hours to regain some composure- thank goodness for her bathtub!- and when she made her way to the cafeteria for the evening meal, she was at least not as shocked as she had been, though her face was still a little pink. 

She quietly filled her plate and sat at an empty table near the back, trying to look normal and not slightly squicked out by the food in front of her. She pulled out her rock and placed it on the table in front of her; hopefully, it would discourage anyone from sitting with her. The whole Jedi attachments thing was helpful when she wanted to be alone (MOST people, anyway, didn’t seem to care. Usually.), and despite her anger over Ren’s hair-brained idea with the Rocks, having the KN (as half the Resistance now called her rock) usually deterred even the most friendly of people from approaching her when she “communed” with it. The one bright spot in that whole mess of a Situation. Hopefully, that would hold true today.

Unfortunately, it did not.

Rey had no sooner started eating than Finn, Rose and Poe joined her and began noisily eating, banging around in their chairs, joking loudly, and generally making a nuisance of themselves when she was NOT in the mood. Didn’t they see her ROCK? This was a CLUE she did NOT want to be disturbed!

Damn persistent friends!

“Oh, come on Rey! Have a little fun! We need you to come to the bathhouse with us again! You didn’t even play Find the Gungan last time!” Poe has been trying to get Rey to the bathhouse again since her first appearance. Rey always came up with something to put him off, but since the General told Poe that Rey enjoyed herself the last time, he was determined to force her into coming again. Rey is running out of excuses and Poe knows it.

Rey smiled sweetly. “I’m not sure…I really should meditate this afternoon- I’ve skipped it the last couple of days, and…”

“Nonsense! You can meditate afterward! Besides, I saw you meditating yesterday, and the day before, and we all know you spend most of your baths meditating, and you had one of those earlier today.”

Truly, there were no secrets in the Resistance. How the KRIFF did Poe know that??

“And you worked hard today! That X-Wing you were working on is running perfectly now- how did you get that compressor fixed? I’ve been working on that for weeks, and still couldn’t get it to work properly! You disappeared pretty quickly, though, after you went around that row of crates…” Rey paled, and suddenly became very interested in her food. “What? See something you didn’t want to see??”

Rose and Finn exchanged looks and turned to Rey. Rose laughed in a brittle and slightly crazy way. “Oh, come on, Poe! What would Rey see in the hangar? Nothing terribly exciting there! Unless you enjoy watching hydro-spanners in action!” Finn laughed weakly before choking and taking a gulp of his drink.

The following silence was a little uncomfortable. Then Poe grinned. It was a wicked, knowing grin. It was almost as bad as one of Ren’s smirks.

Rey didn’t like it at all.

“That is a pretty awesome collar, Finn! Bantha, isn’t it?”

Finn smiled weakly. “Yes.” His voice was soft, and cracked a bit at the last; he cleared his throat. “Yes,” stronger this time, “It is. I think it’s…kinda cool. It matches my jacket, don’t you think?”

“Oh, yeah! Totally matches your jacket; the studs look nice with the leather and your skin tone.” Rey looked up at that. Poe’s smile was even more…wicked…than it had been earlier. If that were possible. “Don’t you think so, Rose?” Rose looked like she’d just been dipped in rathtar brains. “In fact, that’s kind of your thing, isn’t it? Wasn’t it your childhood dream to have a pygmy bantha as a pet?”

“Oh…um…sort of?” 

Poe’s smile got wider. And wickeder. Rey felt a tiny frisson of fear run up her spine. She stood, gathering up her mostly uneaten food and picked up her rock, preparing to go.

Then Poe turned to her. His wicked smile filled her with horror.

“And who was that tall, dark, drink of water you were “talking” with earlier, Rey?” Poe’s finger quotes were more than a little sarcastic.

Rey froze.

“I’m sure I don’t know who you’re talking about.” If Rey put a little Force behind her voice, she was certain no one would judge her given the circumstances.

Poe didn’t seem to notice her Force, and he certainly didn’t believe her, based on the look he gave her. “Oh, come on, Rey! Who is he? I haven’t seen anyone that tall on base since Chewie went to Naboo for supplies two days ago. Give us the scoop!”

“You obviously have had too much Corellian whiskey, Poe.”

Poe’s smile broadened and got harder. “I never drink during working hours.” Rey was sure THAT wasn’t true, but Poe kept talking. “I *know* what I saw. In fact…” Poe paused to make sure he had Reys’ full attention, even though it was obvious he did, “this guy had a lightsaber, I think. A big one with crossbars on it…*very distinctive*. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was…”

“You will STOP this ridiculous speculation *immediately* and you will *never* speak of it again.” Rey’s Force was quite strong, and Poe looked a little glassy when she finished.

“I will stop this ridiculous speculation immediately, and I will never speak of it again.” Poe’s monotone was quiet, and his eyes slightly unfocused.

“You will go back to your quarters and sleep off your hangover, and never mention this again.” Poe repeated Rey’s order, and quietly walked off, dumping his food tray as he left and disappearing down the hall toward their sleeping quarters.

“Wow, Rey…that was…cool!” Finn’s voice startled Rey so badly she dropped the KN. She’d forgotten Finn and Rose were there.

“Oh…well. Poe was getting a little…um…out of line?”

Finn cleared his throat and looked uncomfortably at Rose. “Um…well. Yeah. About that. Um…”

Rey leaned down to pick up the KN, her gaze strong enough to start a fire. Or maybe cause something to spontaneously combust. There was NO way she was going to look at either Rose or Finn, and she had to look somewhere. 

“Oh, I’m sure it was nothing!” Her voice was brittle and a little bit crazy. “Poe loves to tell a good story!” She tried to smile and not turn 5 shades of red (she only turned 4) as she turned and walked quickly back to her quarters, carrying her food tray with her, and clutching the KN like her life depended on it.

Well. That was awkward.

Tossing the KN on her bedstand, Rey sat down at the desk in the corner and finished her meal; well, what she could stomach of it, anyway. The entire time, she thanked the Maker Poe was at least Force-susceptible. If the General had been talking like that, Rey couldn’t have done anything. And Poe…Rey’s eyes narrowed in anger. Poe could cartwheel around the base and kiss all the shaaks and banthas in the area until he figured out the maxim "discretion is the better part of valor".

 

The next morning, after her bath and just as she was heading out for breakfast, Rey found a note in front of her door. Apparently, it has been pushed under the frame in the night. Picking it up, Rey unfolded it slowly. What she saw made her hair stand on end, and then caused her blood to boil.

The paper contained a grainy photo of what was clearly Rey wrapped around and lip-locked with a tall, dark figure, Ren’s distinctive lightsaber hanging off his hip. Rey turned white, then red- how the kriff had this been taken?? No one had EVER been able to see Ren before!

Rey turned to the note; Poe’s writing was childish and large, so the message was unmistakable.

Rey really wished there had been a mistake.

 

Rey,

I know what I saw; and now YOU do, too. Meet me at midnight tonight behind the Falcon.  
We will discuss what you and the Supreme Leader can do to keep this charming photo from the  
General and the rest of the Resistance leadership. Or the holonet.

Poe

 

After the fear drained away, Rey felt a strong rage build inside her, and a minute later, she saw red. Red enough to black out the rest of her room, the note, and the logical thought processes screaming at her to calm the kriff down and think this through.

Apparently, Poe’s logical skills weren’t all that strong (either that or he had a death wish) because Ren would make sure Poe stopped breathing in a Forceful and dramatic way when he saw this. 

And that would be AFTER Rey was done with him.

*No one* messes with a Force-Rock-wielding Jedi and her Dark-sider almost-lover without consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to KyloTrashForever for reading this over for me!


	6. Because Bantha Collars Are A Thing Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey and Ren learn more about their Bond, and Ren makes the acquaintance of Rose and her hydrospanner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...this was supposed to go up a week ago, but I've been dealing with A Thing this month. Thanks to my boxing class, I have had 3 ER visits (the triage nurse gave me her schedule and told me to visit!) and I'm now the proud owner of a blood clot in my leg! All because I needed to punch something... And then there's the adulting that just siphons off all my time. So. This is a bit later than originally planned. Even though I made no guarantees, I still feel the urge to apologize. So there's that.
> 
> But it's here, and I am kinda scratching my head because I have no clue where this is going, or where this even CAME from...but I hope you like it! :)

Across the Galaxy, the Supreme Leader quietly left the room he had occupied with Rey and walked to his quarters. It was several hours before he left, despite several urgent communiques from Hux and some quiet speculation on his behavior amongst the lower ranks- the stormtroopers who witnessed his walk were sure something was up. The Supreme Leader never *quietly* went anywhere, and *never* retreated to his quarters in the middle of the day cycle. He NEVER walked unobtrusively through the halls and ignored those around him; he ALWAYS stalked, or glowered, or Force-choked. 

Always.

Especially since the RRB… EVERYONE watched the Supreme Leader watch the RRB as he stalked down the hall, and the Supreme Leader *always* put on a fantastic show. It was half the fun of being a stormtrooper- figuring out what the Supreme Leader would do next, and trying to stay mostly out of his way. As in, not attracting his attention *yourself*, but definitely being around when someone *else* did.

When there was no show…well, life was distinctly *boring*. So there must be a pretty important reason the Supreme Leader was acting so strangely… Maybe his Jedi lover had broken up with him?? Or his rumored wife (who, according to one loudmouth in the stormtrooper’s mess was a cross between a rancor and a walking sarlacc pit) had found out about the Jedi and confronted him on their affair? Or had Hux escaped his Force-coma and was plotting to overthrow him and regain power over the First Order by killing both Ren and the Jedi who was posing as him?

Several discreet conversations took place, gaining in frequency and intensity as the Supreme Leader’s absence stretched out over several hours- everyone knew the Dark Side did lot allow mundane things like *sleep* or *hunger* to interfere with business, so of course the Supreme Leader would never be actually *resting* because he was *tired* in the middle of the day-cycle, and the one trooper who mentioned this possibility was loudly shouted down by his fellows. 

Speculation went on well into the night-cycle. The betting pools did a fantastic amount of business.

 

 

It took Ren all kinds of meditation to regain some semblance of calm. After all, there were so many things he did NOT need to know about the Resistance, and those who enjoyed being tied up and flogged with a riding crop during defilement was one of them.

Then there were the disturbing, realistic daydreams of Rey tied up and … but that was not something he needed to consider right now either. There was NO way he could hide THAT from her in the Bond, and if there was one thing he did NOT want, it was Rey mad at him for imagining her tied up and at his mercy.

Not that she was complaining in his imagination. Quite the opposite, actually. 

But still. Force-bonds were terribly inconvenient, and he did not need *her* knowing she liked being tied up and defiled at his whim. He was pretty sure he couldn’t broach that topic of conversation without someone getting punched in the face, and he was pretty sure that ‘someone’ would be him. 

Better not risk it. Yet. His chin was still healing.

Still, until things went cockeyed, it had been a lovely meet-up. While it was inconvenient the Force had taken him there- he was pretty sure their tryst would have ended much differently had she been pulled to where he was- he wasn’t complaining at all. At least when he went to the Resistance, no one on the Finalizer could hear him and come up with another ridiculous rumor at very high odds. 

Ren could only be grateful that thus far, anyway, the Bond hadn’t completely outed them to every member of their respective (and technically antagonistic) organizations.

 

 

After regaining some equanimity, eating something, and spending a few hours sleeping, Ren was once again on the bridge, relieved to be focused on dominating the rest of the known galaxy and harassing Hux as usual. 

It didn’t last long. 

A couple of hours into directing the siege of a small moon outside Rylex V, a wave of fear that nearly sent him to his knees, followed by the strongest rage he had ever encountered, rippled through the Bond so strongly he nearly threw the nearest person (Hux) out of a nearby airlock. When the rage cleared fully from his eyes, he noted his ignited lightsaber in his hand, the decimation of several nearby comms units, many large gashes in the durasteel floor, and the wide berth all officers around gave him, everyone standing at attention, trying (and failing) to hide the sweat his tantrum caused. Hux, particularly, had a bruise swelling on his chin and madly disheveled hair. Ren vaguely recalled Force-choking and punching him, but couldn’t remember the details as to how, when, or *why*, only that Hux needed to be choked and punched, and choked and punched NOW.

Ordering Hux to oversee the rest of the siege and keep him informed, Ren eyed everyone on the bridge, and in a fit of brilliance, stroked the RRB (thank the MAKER he was wearing it!); with any luck, the rabble would decide the RRB was responsible for all this. The bridge was pin-drop silent when he swept out of the room (he couldn’t tell if it was fear or rampant excitement) and stalked to his quarters. 

Whatever was going on with Rey was obviously bad news. He’d never felt Righteous Jedi Anger at that level before. Ever. Even Luke “I Can Turn Him *Back* to the Good Side” Skywalker hadn’t had an outburst like that, and Luke’s attempt to murder him had been Ren’s reference up to this point. Whatever sent Rey off the Jedi Anger/Dark Side ledge like that must have been some Very Bad News. 

 

Despite hours of trying since their initial connection, Ren had not yet figured out how to initiate a Force Bond connection; but damned if he wasn’t going to try again today. Obviously, Rey was very upset, and for that level of a Disturbance, it must be important. But the Force was not cooperating today, and even after a couple of hours of meditation, he could barely even feel her, her rage having subsided to a large degree and been replaced with…determination?? Plotting?? Ren couldn’t *quite* place it.

“Wake up, Ren. We have a problem” 

Ren jerked out of his meditation pose to see Rey, flushed and determined, standing in front of him. “How did you….”

“How did I create the Force Bond?” Rey’s determination drained away and That Smile beamed at Ren, “Those are light-sider secrets, Ren. I can’t share them with *you*.” 

Ren frowned. “Not funny, Rey. It would be nice to be able to contact you whenever I need to.”

Rey snorted. “So you can ogle me in the bath? I think not, Ren. It’s bad enough as it is.”

Ren tried to look innocent, but it came off a bit smirky. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! The Renegotiated ’Fresher Accord doesn’t…”

Rey interrupted him with a snort. “Not that it’s ever stopped you. Don’t think I don’t know about that time you were hiding behind the door.” Ren tried to look shocked (and again with the smirkiness!) as he denied it but Rey cut him off. “Back to business, Supreme Leader. We have bigger loth-cats to fry.”

“So that was what I felt earlier? You were frying a loth-cat?”

Rey looked at him sharply. “You felt something earlier?”

“I felt a Jedi Rage the likes of which I’ve never felt in my life. And this includes the time Skywalker tried to kill me.” Rey frowned at that, but her anger was directed at his dearly-departed late uncle instead of him- something he’d felt a *lot* from her recently. “I… may have tried to shove Hux out of an airlock from the Force of it.” 

Rey grinned. “What stopped you?”

“Umm…the fact I’ve still got that bet going?” 

Rey sighed. “Ugh…again with the betting…” Really, Ren’s betting was as out of control as Finn’s betting pool rumors. “You do know Finn’s giving 10-1 odds on a rumor in the Resistance that you are actually a clone being controlled by a highly-evolved hapabore who’s trying to take over the universe, while the REAL Kylo Ren plays professional Sabacc on Canto Bight??”

Ren blinked. And blinked again. And smirked. “I’m actually a very good Sabacc player. That could be an option for retirement if the whole Supreme Leader thing doesn’t work out.” He grinned at the thought, then looked back at Rey. “Back to business, Jedi. What was with the Righteous Jedi Rage I felt earlier?? Darth Vader himself couldn’t have raged that well at the height of his power.”

Rey blushed. Ren smirked. And then Rey told him.

Ren’s smirk disappeared pretty quickly.

Had Poe Dameron actually been in the room when Rey handed over the blackmail note and the picture, Ren would have torn him limb from limb, used the Force to mend him back together before he bled out, and torn him apart again, just because he could. As it was, the note started smoking around the edges. Rey quickly pulled it from him and smoothed it out. “I’m not even sure how he was able to write about it- I told him specifically he could not mention it again when I influenced him.”

Ren frowned, then looked thoughtful. “You didn’t say he couldn’t write about it, though. Dameron might be susceptible, but he’s not entirely stupid, despite this evidence to the contrary. He figured out the loop in what you told him, and decided to act on it. You say he made a comment to the Traitor and his…um… girlfriend just before?” Ren’s face flushed slightly and he looked a bit green, but bravely continued on. “Do you think he’s blackmailing them as well?”

Rey paused, thinking. “That’s a possibility.” She studied Ren for a moment. “We can find out. It’ll be embarrassing as hell, but we can find out easily enough. Maybe they’ll help us.” She walked over to the comms unit and sent Finn and Rose a quick message, asking them to join her in her quarters. Turning back to Ren, she sat on the chair next to her desk.

“Alright Supreme Leader. What should we do? I’m all for castrating him with a lightsaber, but I’m pretty sure that won’t be painful enough.” 

Ren smirked, then frowned. “While I appreciate your sentiment and it would serve Dameron right to take away his favorite extra-curricular activity, it’s definitely not painful enough.” Ren looked thoughtful. “We need something more…intricate.”

 

Finn and Rose arrived a few minutes later, Finn’s bantha collar glinting merrily in the light. Both were horrified to see the Supreme Leader of the First Order- their mortal enemy who had ordered the entire Resistance slaughtered on Crait- standing next to Rey without a care in the world; Finn pulled out his blaster, and Ren's Force-enhanced reflexes came in handy when Rose nearly beaned him with the hydrospanner in her pocket. Ren compelled them to stay where they were and keep quiet, then turned to Rey. “How can they see me?? No one’s ever been able to see me before!” 

Rey shrugged, looking as confused as he felt. “I’ve no idea. But something must have happened with the Force because Poe got his hands on that picture.” She frowned. “I’m assuming that’s because we were touching?” 

“But we’re not touching now.”

“Ummmm…because I need them to?? I guess??? Who really knows?”

Ren shrugged. He turned to Rose and Finn and smirked. “As you can see, Rey and I are…acquainted. And we need your help.’

Rose and Finn looked even more upset, if that were possible. Finn shook like a leaf trying to fire the blaster, and Rose glared betrayal at Rey with every fiber of her body.

“Yes, I know, it looks terrible; it’s a long story, and one I can explain later, but right now, Ren is right. We DO need your help. If Ren lets you go, will you at least hear us out?” Both of them just glared harder at her. “Please?? We have a…situation here we need to deal with, and if we are right…YOU would both benefit from this, too.” She pulled out the still lightly-smoking letter and the picture from Poe and held them up in front of Rose. “Am I right in guessing you received something similar this morning?”

Rose read the letter and blushed scarlet, and looked at Rey in horror. “Let them go, Ren.” Rey’s eyes never left Rose’s as Ren dropped his hold. 

Rose’s scarlet complexion lightened slightly as she stowed the hydrospanner in a pocket and took the letter from Rey, reading it over again before handing it to Finn and taking the picture. “That idiot! Does he have a kriffing death wish, threatening you??”

Ren snorted. “I thought the same thing. It’s good he gave it to the Jedi and not me. He would definitely be missing his favorite appendage if he had.” Finn swallowed hard and sat down, crossing his legs. “I suspect that’s why he contacted Rey first; she seems so sweet and kind, he thought she’d be easier to manipulate.” Ren smirked across at Rey, before breaking into a…fond??…smile? (Rose couldn’t quite place the emotion behind it, because the Supreme Leader did not do *fond*. At least, that was the rumor. She exchanged a significant look with Finn, who looked just as bewildered as she felt.) “He doesn’t realize she’s a lot more violent than I am.”

Rey snorted. “Says the kriffing Supreme Leader of the First Order, who cut his master in half and slaughtered most of the Praetorian Guard on a whim!” Now Rose and Finn looked at Ren in shock. This was NOT the official story out of the First Order. Rose opened her mouth to ask for more information, but closed it again quickly when she saw the smirk on Ren’s face deepen. 

“You know very well that was no *whim*, Jedi.” A look passed between them that caused both Rose AND Finn to blush and avert their eyes before some kinky holo-porn broke out in front of them. “I’m not the one planning on castrating the “Best Pilot in the Resistance”, Ren’s finger quotes were definitely sarcastic, “before throwing him out the Hunk of Junk’s airlock during hyperspace.” 

Rey looked murderous, then guilty as she glanced over at Rose and Finn. “That’s not funny, Ren! You know Jedi don’t do things like that!” 

“A. Despite my teasing, nothing in our negotiations recognizes you as a Jedi, thus it *is* possible you could come up with and follow through on such a plan, as *you have not been trained*, and *refuse* to accept the *gracious* training offers *I* have *repeatedly* made you.” Rey snorted and tried to interject again but was cut off. “B. The Force Bond is VERY strong, and your plans for Poe were quite clear during the last part of our…um…discussion before our guests arrived.” 

Negotiations?? Discussion?? Rose and Finn shared an unsettled look indicating they knew *exactly* what kind of *discussion* and *negotiations* the Supreme Leader and the Resistance’s Jedi were having. 

“C. The Massive Jedi Rage,” Ren wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Rey, “was definitely violent and driven by the Dark Side, proven by the fact I nearly murdered Hux just from the ripple in the Force.” Rose and Finn both raised eyebrows at that and looked back at Rey. Things were definitely getting interesting.

And hot. The temperature in the room appeared to be 4 degrees higher than it was when they entered.

Rey sniffed (he wasn’t *exactly* wrong), and pulled the letter out of Finn’s hands. “Focus, Ren.” Ren Smirked (again with That Damned Smirk! Rey mentally rolled her eyes). “We haven’t addressed the bantha in the room yet.” She turned to Rose, the apparent dominant force in this relationship, ignoring Finn and his bantha collar as she focused on Rose’s chin (looking her in the eye was sure to make both of them blush at this point), and gestured to the letter. “Did you get something like this?”

“No.” Rose sighed. “Poe showed up at our quarters this morning and demanded *assistance* to help him forget what he’d seen. He had a photo of us, too. I have no idea how he had one,” Rose shifted uncomfortably, unhappy about discussing these little details in front of the (almost) Jedi and the Supreme Leader, “Finn and I chose that location because there *were* no cameras. I’ve been to the surveillance room and I *know* there are no cameras on that area of the hangar, but he had one.” She frowned. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Rey grimaced and turned to Ren. “When I influenced him, I thought I’d made it specific enough that he couldn’t approach Rose and Finn, either. How is this possible?” She flashed her memory of the cafeteria the night before to Ren through the Bond, and he frowned thoughtfully as he considered it. 

“You didn’t *specifically* say… perhaps his interpretation of the way you worded the influence only applied to us?” Ren shrugged. “The Force can be tricky that way- especially when you influence people who are on that cusp between susceptible and not. I suspect that’s what happened here. He interpreted it that he couldn’t *speak* to you about it, so he wrote us a note. He assumed your order did not apply to Rose and FN-2187,” (‘His name is FINN!’ Rose muttered under her breath) “so he confronted them directly.” Ren turned to Rose, as the dominant person in the relationship, unable to look at Finn and his bantha collar (though he admired the way the metal studs reflected the light) and focused his eyes on Rose’s chin. “Does Poe have a…reputation…for this? Anything that might indicate he’s done this before?”

Rose thought for a moment. “Not that I know of.” She shrugged. “Everyone treats him with respect, and obviously he has the General’s trust, but he’s never been one for getting close to people.” She thought for a moment. “Not that you’d notice from his general behavior; he seems to have friends everywhere.” Her eyes narrowed. “And he teases *everyone* exactly as he did us last night.” She looked over at Rey's chin. “He’s blackmailing everyone, isn’t he??”

Ren straightened at this, and anger simmered around him. “Even the General?”

Finn, Rose, and Rey looked at each other's chins as they thought about this. Rey nodded slowly and looked over at Ren. “Yes, I think so. He was teasing her the other day about…what did he say? Family commitments?” Ren stiffened. “If that’s his M.O., then I’d say yes, he is blackmailing your… um…the General.”

Where the room had once been hot, now it was ice cold, and the Force swirled dangerously. “I’ll kill him.” Ren’s voice was colder than the room, and Rose and Finn both shivered, exchanging a confused glance. Why would the Supreme Leader be upset about Poe blackmailing the General? Especially over family matters?

Rey placed a placating hand on Ren’s arm.

“You can’t kill him, Ren; we need to keep our bond a secret.” she leveled Rose's and Finn's chins with a severe look clearly indicating death in strange and painful ways if either of them mentioned anything to anyone about this, “It would be difficult to explain why the Supreme Leader of the First Order was involved in revealing Dameron’s blackmail and his subsequent murder to the leadership of the Resistance. It would hand your head to Hux on a platter.” Rey paused thoughtfully. “Though I suppose we could find a way to use that to your favor if we absolutely needed to; do you think you have enough support among the stormtroopers and the lower ranks to overthrow Hux yet?”

Ren shrugged. “Maybe?? The rabble seem to enjoy the RRB…” Rey rolled her eyes as Finn perked up and tried to catch the Supreme Leader’s eye; there WAS an RRB! He had a lot of money riding on that in the betting pools. Unfortunately, Ren adamantly refused to make eye contact. “They like the show. And the betting. I am more concerned about the higher-ranking officers, since Hux has more control over them.” Ren paused thoughtfully. “Though several high-ranking officers made substantial amounts of money from the…er…’Fresher Incident.” 

Finn grinned, mouthing “100-1 odds!!”, Rose coughed suspiciously, and despite her outward passivity, Rey radiated smugness. 

Ren was not amused, but ignored it. “That might have bought me some leverage?”

That Smile was blinding. “We could always release the holo-recording from the ‘Fresher Incident! I’m sure THAT would…”

“NO!” Ren’s horror caused his voice to squeak just slightly. He glared at Rey. “Focus, Jedi!” That Smile got wider. 

“Oh, I’m no Jedi, remember?” Ren rolled his eyes, but That Damn Smirk reappeared, pleased Rey was admitting the truth. “If you’re not going to give the higher-ranking officers a reason to support your rule, then we have no choice but to leave Dameron alive, for previously-mentioned reasons.”

“That makes NO sense at all, Rey!”

“Yes, it does!”

“NO, it DOESN’T”

“Um…actually,” Rose drew a deep breath and looked like she expected to have her throat ripped out, or lose her ability to breathe, or possibly both, “it kinda does. If we can’t think of a way to hide your involvement in this that wouldn’t compromise your position as Supreme Leader,” the look on her face clearly indicated she couldn’t BELIEVE she was saying this, “then Poe does kind of need to stay alive.” Her expression hardened. “Unfortunately.”

 

 

It was another hour of discussion before the group agreed on a plan of action. While not perfect by any means (Ren was still holding out for a painful death via rancor or sarlacc or a herd of loth-cats), it was a Pretty Damn Good Plan; it hit all the major points they needed to address and took Poe out of the blackmail game for good.

Finally, after finalizing their plans, discussing who would do what, carefully avoiding direct eye contact, and ignoring a lot of not-so-subtle references about betting, odds, and the amount of money to be made with the *correct* answers to *specific* rumors from Finn, they decided to adjourn their meeting until later that evening, when final preparations would be made.

Just as the Bond winked out, Finn caught Ren’s eye and mouthed “I’ve got great odds on you! Comm me!” Despite the blush he had from actually *making eye contact* with Finn and his Bantha collar, Ren raised an eyebrow in acknowledgment, and smirked as he appeared in his quarters. He had a sneaking suspicion his newly kindled relationship with FN-2187 was going to be very profitable for them both. 

As long as he didn’t have to look him in the eye. At least, until he figured out how to Force-wipe his memory.

And as long as Rey didn’t discover what was going on. Or Rose, for that matter. Ren was pretty sure Rose would remove his head with her hydrospanner if she found out. After Rey was done with him, of course.

 

 

Back at the Resistance, Rose turned to Rey. “Why was the Supreme Leader of the First Order, who tried to kill us all and nearly succeeded, upset at the General being blackmailed?” Finn wasn’t quite sure that was the first question *he’d* ask, but as a place to begin, it was a good start. Both of them waited while Rey thought. 

And thought some more.

“I’m afraid I can’t discuss that without breaching the Falcon Treaty.” She paused, considering for another moment. “In fact, Ren was so thorough in his negotiations I can’t even point you in the best direction for information.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful, but Ren is… kind of a rancor about it, and it’s best not to poke the rancor on that particular subject unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

Rose and Finn exchanged a significant look Rey couldn’t quite get the meaning of (Fear? Disbelief?? What kind of crazy have we gotten ourselves into??), before Finn asked, “Have you…um…poked… the rancor on this?”

That Smile beamed brightly. “Yes. Yes, I have.” Both hesitantly smiled back, but it came off looking rather unnerved. Still, it seemed best to smile back, since it appeared unwise not to at least pretend polite happiness at Rey’s answer. This was definitely NOT a Jedi smile- and it occurred to both Rose and Finn that Ren might have been right in his analysis. If Rey wanted to be a real Jedi-Jedi (and not just trying to be a Jedi) she might need a bit of training. Neither wanted Ren to be her trainer, though, so where that training might come from was unclear.

“Well… um…how did you…um…come to know the Supreme Leader?” Finn’s voice was hesitant and slightly fearful, like he wanted to know, but at the same time was pretty sure he didn’t.

Rey snorted. “That is too long a story for today. “ She smiled in what she hoped was a soothing and kind way at both of them. “But I will be happy to sit down when this is all over and tell you all about it. In a way, it will be a relief for someone to know. This has been…difficult. To say the least.” Rey made a face. “Ren is…well. He’s Ren. If you know what I mean.”

Rose and Finn nodded. Yeah, they understood, alright.

“Ok. OK!! Well, we’ll see you at the rendezvous point tonight.” Rose’s grin was brittle and a little bit crazy as she grabbed Finn’s hand and pulled him towards the door.

“Um…yeah. OK. We’ll see you tonight!” Finn’s voice echoed Rose’s as they slowly backed out of the Jedi’s room, and sighed in relief as the door closed behind them. 

“What. The KRIFF. Was THAT???”

“I just…I just don’t EVEN know.”

Finn lowered his voice to a whisper. “Did we really just agree to help keep the Supreme Leader in power so we could stop Poe blackmailing everyone in the Resistance?”

“I…um…well…Yes.” Rose looked slightly nauseous. “I guess we did.”

“You know, I think I need some stress relief.” Finn came up behind Rose and pulled her flush against his chest, wrapping his arms around her as he leaned down to whisper in her ear. “There aren’t any cameras behind the tauntaun pens. Meet you there in thirty? You bring the crop and I’ll bring the Bantha collar?”

Rose looked up at him, her eyes glinting. “Or YOU could bring the crop and I’ll bring the utility belt.” She batted her eyes. “Master.”

Finn’s grin was wide and leering. “Sounds like a plan.” He lowered his voice into a low, forceful tone. “If you are even a second late, I’ll punish you.” He smacked her on the rear.

Rose grinned. “Yes, Master.” She giggled as she ran off, Finn following at a slower pace, grinning like a loth cat. 

After all, he HAD given her 30 minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now taking suggestions for Poe Dameron's demise. Or whatever his punishment should be...


End file.
